Haldir and the Fantabulous Whatzit
by tongue in cheek scribe
Summary: Summery: The March Warden of Lorien, Haldir, discovers a rather unusual item in the Golden Wood. This is the story of what happens to a workaholic Elf when faced with the opportunity of a lifetime. Humor, rated "PG13" for crude language. Please REVIEW
1. Haldir's Bad Day

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Me:** Oh, _Haldir_...you complained so much during the last fic, that I decided it was _your_ turn this time. **Haldir:** No...no...NO! **Me:** Oh, _yes_, sweet cheeks...it's all about _you_. **Haldir:** Can't you pick on Legolas again? He doesn't mind...he's a masochist...he _likes_ it. **Legolas:** Leave me _out_ of this. **Me:** Well...maybe Legoboy will make an appearance later. **Legolas:** Great, just _great_. Are you _quite_ satisfied, Haldir? Look what you did! I was safe until you opened your big fat trap! **Haldir:** Misery loves company, Lego.

**Haldir and the Fantabulous Whatzit**

**Summery:** The March Warden of Lothlorien, Haldir, discovers a rather unusual item in the Golden Wood. This is the story of what happens to a workaholic Elf when faced with the opportunity of a lifetime. Humor, rated "PG13" for some crude language, and just in case it becomes necessary for me to get a little naughty in later chapters. NON-CANON...please don't send the canon-police after me. I cry easily.

Chapter 1 

**Haldir's Bad Day**

**Once **upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away..._oh wait_...that's already been done. Let me start again.

**Once** upon a time, a long, long time ago..._hold it._ That's been done too - to death. I'll try again.

**The** story grew bigger in the telling..._WHOA!_ Hold your horses...that one's already taken, too.

Damn it. Okay, one more time, with feeling... 

**Haldir**, March Warden of Lothlorien, was having a bad day. He sat on a log beneath the lovely silver trunks and golden leaves of the mallorn trees, running his hand over his face.

It was the first weekend of the month, and that meant Elf Scout Day. Celeborn and Galadrial, King and Queen of Lothlorien had decreed that every young elfling in the Golden Wood spend the day being instructed by the warriors of Lorien in the art of defense. As March Warden, Haldir was forced to play denmother to every wide-eyed, hero-worshiping snotrag in the Wood. He detested every minute of it.

_"Haldir, tell us about meeting the Fellowship!"_

_"Haldir, tell us about the time you led the Elf archers into Helm's Deep!"_

_"Haldir, tell us about Legolas!"_

This last one was almost _always_ from the female Scouts. They _always_ wanted to hear about Legolas. Sitting at his feet, they'd look up at Haldir with dreamy eyes, as he would be forced to repeat, _ad nauseam_, Legolas' adventures with the Fellowship. And they giggled. There was nothing Haldir hated worse than giggling. It grated on his nerves.

His thoughts were interrupted as a young elfling approached him.

"March Warden, sir, we're ready for our archery lesson," the elfling said, obviously so excited he could barely contain himself.

Haldir rolled his eyes, sighed, and stood up, towering over the young elf. Looking down at him, Haldir growled, "Tell them I'm coming. Be ready with your bows at the target range."

The elfling gleefully ran off, eager to get started. Haldir followed slowly, shaking his head, knowing from experience just how the lesson would go. He would instruct the elflings on the proper way to hold the bow. He would instruct the elflings on the proper way to notch the arrow. He would instruct the elflings on the proper way to aim. He would instruct the elflings on the proper way to fire. They would fire their arrows, and not _one_ would come anywhere _near_ the targets. Then they would all clamor to hear about Legolas' skill with the bow. Haldir thought he might actually throw up if he had to repeat _one_ more time the story of Legolas scaling the Oliphaunt using his own arrows as a ladder.

Haldir made his way through the Wood to the clearing where the elflings waited. A long row of targets had been set up at the far end of the clearing, and a long row of elflings stood across from it, bows in hand, waiting eagerly to begin. Haldir's brothers, Rumil and Orophin, stood well back from the line of elflings, smirking. They knew how much Haldir hated this, and were only too glad to allow him the full honor of instructing the elflings.

"Alright, Elflings...' Haldir began in his most authoritative voice, pacing behind the line of anxious youths, "let us begin your first lesson." He went through all of the warnings and cautions of aiming a weapon at anything but the target; the importance of paying attention and of concentrating, etc...etc...etc... He heard a few snorts of laughter coming from his brothers. They were always quite amused by Haldir's discomfort in teaching the newbies.

"Ready...aim...fire!" Haldir shouted as he turned to give his brothers a sour look. Suddenly, he froze, feeling an intense pain in his right buttock.

Reaching his hand around to his butt, he discovered an arrow protruding from his ass.

He glanced at the elfling nearest him, who had paled and looked as though he might spew at any moment.

Being careful to keep his rear from the view of both the elflings and his brothers - Eru knew, he'd never hear the end of it if his brothers discovered he'd just been shot by one of the elflings - he ordered through gritted teeth, "Class is dismissed!" He watched the elflings walk off, shoulders slumped, obviously very disappointed in the brevity of the lesson. His brothers looked at him curiously, but decided they really didn't want to address him right now, considering the murderous look on his face. He waited until he was quite alone in the clearing, before yanking the arrow from his butt.

Haldir flung the arrow into the dirt of the clearing, rubbing his sore bum. "I do not believe that I can take much more of this," he thought, grimacing as his fingers came away bloody. "I really need to think about finding new employment. I've served as March Warden for centuries, fought in many battles - I'm a freaking hero, for Eru's sake! And what do I get? An arrow in the ass from some overanxious half wit of an elfling!" He limped off toward home to tend to his wound.

Finding his way through the stands of mallorn trees, Haldir had nearly reached the area settled by the Elves of Lorien when his foot hit something half buried in the forest floor, causing him to nearly trip.

He looked down curiously, nudging the object with his foot. Reaching down, and wincing at the pain in his butt the bending motion brought, he pried the object out of the dirt.

"What in the name of Arda is _this_?" he asked himself, turning the object over in his hands.


	2. The Fantabulous Whatzit

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** It's only the first chapter and you've _already_ managed to embarrass the _hell_ out of me. An arrow in my butt? How gauche. **Me:** Aww, _poor_ Haldir. Let me kiss it and make it better. **Haldir**: You can kiss it all right - kiss my big, hairy, Elven ass! **Me:** Elven asses are NOT hairy. **Haldir**: How would _you_ know? **Me:** I have a history of making Elves drop their drawers.

Chapter 2

**The Fantabulous Whatzit**

The object Haldir held in his hands was round, about the size and shape of a dinner plate, with a triangular handle attached. About 2" thick, it was made from some type of shiny red material, but Haldir couldn't place it...it felt smooth and cool to the touch, but was not marble, metal, or clay. It had practically no heft to it, sounding hollow when he rapped on its surface, so Haldir immediately dismissed the possibility of it being weapon.

There were many small drawings of strange creatures on the front of the object. He recognized a couple of them, like the drawing of a tiny horse, a tiny dog, and something that looked a little like a tiny Oliphaunt, but most were unfamiliar to him. A large arrow shaped wedge was stuck fast to the front center of the object.

He noticed a white ring sticking out of the side of the object. He cocked an eyebrow, hesitating to touch it - rings had never brought much luck in Middle Earth. Curiosity got the better of him though, and he tugged slightly at the ring.

He was surprised when the ring pulled smoothly out of the object, attached to a white string. It pulled out just about a foot, then stopped. He tugged a little more, but the ring wouldn't budge any further. Letting go of the string to scratch his head, he flinched as the string began to suck itself back into the object, taking the ring with it.

"_The cow says 'MOOOO_."

Haldir jumped about six feet straight up into the air, dropping the object on the ground when the it spoke to him. He had his bow ready, arrow notched and aimed at the object before his feet hit the ground.

Laying still on the ground where it dropped, the object fell silent.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in the Golden Wood of Lothlorien?" he demanded of the object.

The object stayed silent.

"Speak, witch! Else feel my arrow through your heart!"

The object stayed silent.

He nudged it with his foot, but it didn't move or speak. Perhaps he had killed it when he dropped it.

Staring at the object for a few more moments, he waited, and nudged it with his foot a few more times, but, when it didn't move or speak again he gingerly picked it back up. His gaze fell on the ring once more...his inner voice argued with itself. "Pull it, ...don't pull it...pull it...don't pull it." He shook his head to dispel the inner argument. Tentatively, he touched the arrow in the center of the object with his finger. It moved slightly to the right, now pointing to the drawing of horse, but nothing else happened.

Again the ring caught his attention. It was just sitting there, begging to be pulled. Placing the object on the ground, He slipped his long slender finger into the ring and pulled it back again. Steeling himself, he let the ring go, jumping back and watching it wind itself back into the object.

_"The horse says NEIGH."_

Haldir didn't jump as high this time. The object had certainly made no threatening advances, and he recognized the sound of the horse, if not the speech. Staring at the object at his feet, a light went off over his head.

"The sound of a horse...the arrow points to a drawing of a horse..." He murmured out loud. "This thing seeks to instruct me on the sounds of the creatures it has pictured on it! Interesting...I wonder if the disc itself is alive, or if, by some magic, there is a very tiny person in there?" He held the object up, looking at it from all angles. He shook it, listening for the sound of a very tiny person rattling about within it. Hearing nothing, he again pushed the arrow and pulled the ring.

"The pig says, "OINK."

"Oink," Haldir repeated.

"The duck says, "QUACK."

"Quack." Haldir smiled - a very rare occurrence for the taciturn Elf. "I need to show this to my brothers...perhaps we can think of some use for this whatzit. Cereborn and Galadrial will certainly be interested in its magical properties..."

The prospect of something new and exciting to do completely distracted Haldir as he made his way to the dwelling he shared with his brothers, high in the mallorn trees.

He actually forgot all about the pain in his ass.


	3. Rings and Things

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir: ** You're kidding, right? **Me:** Why, _whatever_ you _do_ you mean, Haldir? **Haldir:** You know damn well what I mean. This whatzit...are you _serious_? **Me:** I'm _always_ serious. **Haldir:** I will NOT prance around the forest with that...that...whatzit! **Me:** I didn't make you prance...but now that you _mention_ it... **Haldir:** Just a little self-respect...that's all I ask. Just a little self-respect. **Me:** Prance, elf, prance.

Chapter 3

**Rings and Things**

Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin approached the royal residence of Celeborn and Galadrial. Haldir proudly carried his discovery cradled in the crook of his elbow.

"Haldir...what news do you bring? The message you sent us was very mysterious. You said only that you had something of the gravest import to tell," Celeborn asked, standing at the base of the stairs that led the private royal chamber. Galadrial, looking as beautiful as ever, stood next to him, her slim hand on his arm.

"Your Majesty, I bring a discovery unlike any other found in Middle Earth in recorded memory!" he stated loftily, carefully holding out the whatzit in his arms, as he knelt on one knee before the royal couple. His brothers stood shoulder to shoulder behind him.

"What have you discovered of this thing, Haldir?" Galadrial asked, looking at the whatzit with her wide blue eyes, but keeping her distance."

"It speaks, Your Majesty! You need only pull on this ring. Listen..." Haldir pulled the ring, and the whatzit said, "The sheep goes BAAA."

"Amazing!" Celeborn cried, taking a half step backwards, pulling Galadrial with him. "What else does it do?"

"Well...er, nothing that I have been able to discern, as of yet, Your Majesty."

"Galadrial..." Celeborn turned to his wife, "Can you see anything of this whatzit's past or future? What import is it to Lothlorien and Arda?"

Galadrial stepped over to her scrying mirror. She stared intently at the waters, biting her lower lip. The mirror didn't show a blessed thing...only her own dazzling reflection. It actually _never_ showed _anything_...she just liked people to _believe_ that she could foretell the future. Usually she was able to make statements that were so vague that _anyone_ could apply it to whatever question they had. Everyone truly believed her, and so, when _they_ looked in the mirror their own minds usually played tricks on their eyes. Or, they just didn't want to seem out of the loop, so they made something up. It had worked very nicely, until now.

She thought a moment longer, then said in her most conspiratorial voice, "This is truly a wondrous thing you have found, Haldir..._wondrous_ and _dangerous_. It has a purpose, but the Valar choose to shield that purpose from my eyes. However, the whatzit has a name...it is the Great Ring Ceeunsae, and you, dear Haldir, are the Ring Bearer."

Haldir looked in awe at the whatzit he still held cradled in his arms. "Where shall I bear this Great Ring Ceeunsae?" he asked.

_"One Ring to teach them all, One Ring to remind them,_

_One Ring to repeat them all and in the repeating bind them."_

Everyone looked at Galadrial slightly cockeyed.

"What the hell does that mean?" Celeborn asked his wife, as everyone stared at her with confused expressions on their faces.

"Poetry has never been my _forte_...The Ring obviously is a message for us in animal tongue...it means that Haldir need bear this Ring all across Arda, looking for the One that can understand the animals' message." Galadrial replied, thinking that they were more stupid than she had given them credit for if they fell for the idiotic nonsense she was spouting.

"I thought it was just telling us what sound each animal made," Haldir said, pointing at the tiny pictures on the whatzit.

"Poor, poor Haldir...so innocent in the ways of the Valar! Things are never as simple as they appear...you should have learned that by now," Galadrial said, annoyed that she had not thought of it herself.

"As you say, Milady, so it shall be done. I shall bear the Ring Ceeunsae across Arda, and I shall not return until I have found the One who can interpret the message for us."

"Shall we accompany Haldir on his journey?" Rumil and Orophin asked, thinking that they could get out of months, perhaps _years_, of Elf Scout Days.

Galadrial thought a moment, and realized _why_ they wanted to go so badly. "No," she said, thinking that if they all left, she and Celeborn would have to take over as denmothers...no way did she want to spend her weekends teaching the rugrats. "Haldir must undertake this journey alone. But he will find others to join him on his quest. Um...three others will join him on his journey," she continued, pulling a number out of thin air. "This is all I can see...the Valar will show me no more."

Rumil and Orophin looked very disappointed. Haldir, however, had a smile on his face.

"I shall not fail on this quest, Milady. I will find the One and bring the message back to you! My lady, one last question...in which direction should I go first?"

"Head first to Rivendell...you will meet the first to join your Fellowship there," Galadrial answered, thinking that Elrond was going to flip his braids over this. She would have loved to see his face when the whatzit spoke.

He rose, bowed to Galadrial and Celeborn, and walked off toward his dwelling, thinking of what he needed to prepare for the journey ahead. He planned to start off first thing in the morning.

He also thought that, sore butt or not, this day had not turned out too badly after all.


	4. The Farmer in the Riven Dell

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Galadrial:** How dare you insinuate that I cannot really foretell the future! **Me: **Don't get your panties in a knot, Blondie. I said in the beginning that this story was _not_ going to follow canon. **Galadrial:** Haldir was right...you _are_ impossible! **Me: **Haldir, you said _that_?

**Haldir:** You're damn right, I did. **Me:** And here I didn't think you cared... **Haldir:** See? _Impossible_.

Chapter 4 

**The Farmer in the (Riven) Dell**

Haldir crossed the Misty Mountains without incident. The whatzit was securely fastened to his traveling belt by a sturdy rope tied through its very convenient handle.

From the foothills he could see Rivendell, and he took a moment to wonder who the first to join his Fellowship would be.

"Glorfindel? Perhaps," he thought, "a sturdy enough Elf...capable, dependable, a good shot..."

"Elrohir or Elladan? Egads, no! I'd spend more time keeping them out of trouble than trying to find the One."

"Elrond, himself? Perhaps...he may have grown a bit soft over the years, though...he didn't even fight during the War. Rumor has it that Arwen had to practically break his _arm_ to have Narsil re-forged and for him to bring it to Aragorn."

"I suppose I will find out soon enough," he thought as he stalwartly marched on toward the Elven city. He walked through the gates of Rivendell before the sun rose halfway through the sky. He paused again, as always overwhelmed by the beauty of Rivendell.

Word of his presence swept the city, and Elrond was waiting for him by the time he reached The Last Homely House.

"My Lord Elrond, the Lady of the Golden Wood, Galadrial and King Celeborn have sent me on a Quest. Behold, I bear the Great Ring Ceeunsae!" Haldir grandly announced, holding out the whatzit so that Elrond might see and be amazed.

"Haldir, old friend...it, um...it's very _red_," Elrond said, not seeing anything spectacular about the whatzit, and thinking that Haldir must have been hitting the pipeweed pretty hard coming down off the mountains.

Haldir smirked, and pulled the ring on the side of the whatzit.

_"The cat says MEOW."_

Elrond staggered backwards, his eyebrows shooting up nearly to his hairline. "What devilry is this?"

"Galadrial has scryed that _this_ is the Great Ring Ceenunsae, and that _I_ am its Bearer. She has seen that this ring carries a message to us in animal tongue, and has decreed that I bear the ring across Arda searching for the One who can translate the message for us. Further, she has fortold that I will be joined by three others in Fellowship on this Quest," Haldir explained, looking at Elrond, hoping he'd take the hint.

"Can I try it?" Elrond asked, reaching for the whatzit.

"No! The burden of the Ring is mine alone...but you may join me on my quest..." Haldir replied, holding the whatzit out of Elrond's reach.

"My Questing days are over, Haldir...I wait only to sail the Straight Road," Elrond replied, shaking his head sadly. He brightened and said, "You could take Elrohir and Elladan, though..."

"NO! Those two are more trouble than they're worth! I'd rather see if Glorfindel is willing to join me," Haldir exclaimed, shaking his head fiercely.

Elrond sighed, knowing Haldir spoke the truth. The twins _were_ always getting into trouble. Sooner or later, he wouldn't be surprised if the Valar stepped in to teach them a lesson.

"You may find Glorfindel outside...I believe he was going to archery practice today, somewhere near the gardens."

"By your leave, Lord Elrond," Haldir bowed, and left Elrond, working his way out of The Last Homely House and outside into the gardens to look for Glorfindel.

"Mister Haldir! How good it is to see you again!" called a voice from within the garden walls.

Haldir peered over the wall into the rows of cabbage and carrots to see Sam kneeling among the plants.

"Samwise Gamgee? What be you doing in Rivendell? I had heard that you had settled down with a wife and parcel of Hobbitlings!" Haldir cried, smiling at the Hobbit.

"Aye...a wife that nags at me constantly and a brood that drives me to distraction with their bickering! I had to get away for a while for a little peace and quiet," Sam said, sitting back on his leathery, hairy heels. "What brings you to Rivendell, Mister Haldir?"

"I am on a Quest, Sam. I carry the Great Ring Ceeunsae, and have been bound to oath by Galadrial to bear the ring in search of the One who can interpret its message," Haldir replied, showing the whatzit to Sam. He once again pulled the ring.

_"The dog says WOOF."_

"Fantabulous!" cried Sam, his eyes wide and round. He looked thoughtful for a moment, then asked, "Where be ye bound after Rivendell, Mister Haldir?"

"I plan to head to Rohan next, then Gondor," Haldir replied, settling the whatzit once again on his hip.

"I will be more than honored to join you on your Quest, Mr. Haldir," Sam said, thinking that the further he got from the Shire, the less likely Rosie and the kids were to show up looking for him. "I have had much practice in tending to Ringbearers, you know."

Haldir thought a moment, trying to find some kind way to refuse Sam's offer...the Hobbit would surely only slow him down. He opened his mouth to speak, but Sam cut him off.

"It's won't do you any good to tell me no...I'm a very stubborn Hobbit. I'll just follow you anyway, so you might as well say 'yes,' Mister Haldir."

Sighing, Haldir knew it to be true. "Alright, Samwise Gamgee...you are the first to join my Fellowship of the Ceeunsae Ring! Pack your things, for we leave on the morrow!"


	5. Two For the Road

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** _Sam_? Of all the characters in the books, why did you pick _Sam_? **Me: **Why? What's wrong with Sam? **Haldir:** Well, for one thing, he's short. **Sam:** I prefer "vertically challenged." And you're a fine one to talk, Haldir...you _died_ in the movie! I really am _not_ excited about going on a quest with a corpse. **Haldir:** I am not dead! I did not die in the books, and they're what counts! **Sam:** Sure...sure...whatever you say, Wormfood. **Haldir:** Midget! **Sam:** Cadaver! **Haldir:** Runt! **Me:** _Enough_! You two sound like kindergartners! Boy, I sure can pick 'em, can't I?

Chapter 5 

**Two More For the Road**

Haldir and Sam set out from Rivendell before the sun had barely peeked up from the horizon. Haldir still carried the whatzit securely tied to his traveling belt. He also carried his quiver full of arrows, a throwing knife, and his bow.

Sam, however, had planned for every conceivable emergency - having learned his lesson well and hard on the _last_ Fellowship Quest he had been on - and was weighted down by so many bags, boxes, and bundles that he could barely be seen underneath it all.

Needless to say, the weight of all the supplies he had insisted on taking was weighing him down, and he remained huffing and puffing some fifty paces behind Haldir - much to the Elf's annoyance.

"Gamgee! I _told_ you not to take so much with you! We could not _possibly_ eat all the food you brought even if we were to stay on this quest for a century! We only needed enough to make it to Rohan!" Haldir called back to Sam for the thirtieth time that morning.

"Mister Haldir...haven't I told you at least a gajillion times about my having to give Frodo the last piece of lembas in Mordor and staring starvation in the face?"

"Yes, it _was_ a _gajillion_ times...I counted. And if you tell me that story _one_ more time, I am going to stuff lembas down your throat until you _explode_!"

"Elves!" Sam muttered under his breath. "They think know it all! He'll be singing a different tune when we're stranded in some Eru-forsaken place with no chance of escaping, and I still have enough food to keep us alive! And will I share it with him? Of course I will. And will I get any thanks? Of course I won't. And will he be the big hero in the end? Of course he will. And will I get to sail to Aman? Of course I won't...freaking Elves."

"Did you say something back there, Sam?" called Haldir, now sixty or more paces ahead.

"No, Mister Haldir...nothing at all," Sam called, sticking his tongue out at Haldir's back.

Because of Sam, it took longer than Haldir expected to cross over the Misty Mountains and descend into the valley that bordered the Mirkwood Forest. He planned on turning south, and passing through Fangorn Forest, past Isengard into Rohan. He decided that they should make camp in the valley, and continue on to Fangorn in the morning.

As they walked along a small river, looking for a promising campsite, Haldir noticed smoke rising from within a small thicket of trees.

"Sam..." He whispered, ever the March Warden and mindful of danger, "quiet now...make no sound. I will scout ahead to see if the smoke rises from the camp of friend or foe." Haldir stealthily moved into the copse, making nary a sound.

He tried peering through the trees to see if he could spot the campers, when a tiny sound caused him to draw and notch his bow at lightning speed. Spinning around, he found himself gazing at the business end of an arrow.

"Haldir?"

"Legolas?"

Haldir lowered his bow, a half smile on his face. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I was going to ask you the same question! Gimli and I were going to take a trip to see Galadrial - you _know_ how he feels about her! It was getting late so we stopped for the night. What brings you here? Is all well in Lorien?"

"The Dwarf is here? I have Sam the Hobbit with me...we'll come to your camp and talk," Haldir said, clapping Legolas on the shoulder.

A short while later, Sam was cooking sausage over the small campfire, much to Gimli's delight, while Haldir filled Legolas in on his adventures thus far with the whatzit.

"The Great Ring Ceeunsae...it sounds like a most excellent adventure, Haldir!" Legolas exclaimed after Haldir had let him hear the whatzit speak. "You have my bow."

"I greatly appreciate your offer to join with me, Legolas...I was hoping to have another Elf alo..."

"No, Haldir. You misunderstand," Legolas interrupted. "You literally _have_ my bow. This one is yours," he explained, holding out Haldir's bow.

Haldir sheepishly exchanged bows with Legolas.

'But," Legolas whispered, unwilling to let Gimli overhear, "I really _don't_ want to go to Lorien and watch the Dwarf make a fool of himself again. You'd think it would finally sink into that thick head of his that Galadrial is _married_..."

"Then you will join our Fellowship?" Haldir asked, smiling.

"Aye...providing we can get Gimli to agree," Legolas replied.

"Leave it to me," Haldir said, rubbing his hands together. There was little else he enjoyed more than pulling the wool over the Dwarf's eyes.

Haldir and Legolas joined Sam and Gimli around the campfire. Waiting until the sausage was done, and Sam and Gimli were munching out happily, Haldir said to Legolas, "So, GALADRIAL asked me to engage in this QUEST, which, as I explained before, is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE, and will surely make WHOEVER joins its purpose a HERO in HER EYES."

Gimli's ears had perked up at the sound of Galadrial's name.

"Galadrial? Quest? Hero? What manner of quest be it that the Lady needs done?" He asked Haldir, leaning forward anxiously.

"I am to bear the Great Ring Ceeunsae across Arda until I find the ONE who can translate the message from animal tongue."

"I shall join yer quest, Laddie! Fer certain, I shall see its purpose served, and that of the Lady!" Gimli shouted, jumping to his feet and lifting his axe.

Haldir turned toward Legolas, rolling his eyes, and asked, "What of you, Legolas? Will you join us?"

"I don't know, Haldir...I was supposed to go to Lorien with Gimli...this may mean quite a postponement of our plans..."

"BAH! This quest is important to the Lady Galadrial...we go!" Gimli said decisively, leaving no room for argument from Legolas.

"Good! Galadrial predicted that I would be joined by three companions! _We_ are the Fellowship of the Ceeunsae Ring. We leave for Fangorn in the morning!" Haldir exclaimed. He turned to Legolas and whispered, "told you I'd take care of it!"

Dousing the campfire, the four New Walkers rolled themselves in their blankets and bedded down for the night.


	6. The Enk and His Potato

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I just _knew_ I was going to get dragged into this. You can't leave me alone for a minute! **Me:** Nope. I don't even try, Legoboy. **Legolas: ** Please, for the love of all that's holy...I don't care if you make me go on this idiotic quest; I don't care if you make jokes at my expense; I don't even care if you play with my love life - but _PLEASE_ do not make me drop my drawers in this one! **Me: **Sorry, Legolas...no promises.

Chapter 6 

**The Enk and His Potato"**

Morning dawned clear and crisp, and the Walkers woke, anxious to be on their way. Making short work of breakfast, they attended to their personal morning constitutionals, packed up, and were ready to go in nearly record time.

Gimli had been properly impressed by the mysterious words of the whatzit, nodding his head at Galadrial's wisdom of sending Haldir on this quest. "'Tis the thing to do, Laddies...find the One to translate these words. The Lady is always right!" No said aloud that if The Lady had decreed toenails to be for breakfast for a month, Gimli would not only have praised her decision, but would have eaten more toenails than anyone else - he was truly obsessed with her.

Passing through the meadow where the Riders of Rohan had decimated a band of Orcs, nearly killing Pippin and Merry in the process (the Riders were pretty, but not very smart - couldn't tell a Hobbit from an Orc, for crying out loud), the Walkers approached the dark and ominous edge of Fangorn Forest.

Haldir stared up at the tangled black branches of the trees, swallowed hard, suppressed a shudder, and stepped through into the forest.

Legolas followed, thinking that, if Haldir thought Fangorn was scary now, he should have been here when there were actually Orcs running about.

Gimli followed closely at Legolas' heels, being very careful to keep his axe down - he remembered how little the trees in this forest cared for axes.

Sam took the longest getting into the forest proper, since he was still carrying a wide assortment of boxes, bags, and bundles. Nothing anyone said could sway him to leave anything behind. Hence, in the forest, he kept getting stuck on branches as tried to bully his way through.

Legolas paused, listening to the trees. "This forest is very old...it is full of..."

"What, Laddie? Wisdom? Anger? What?" asked Gimli, always a little annoyed with the Elf did his 'talk to the trees' thing.

"Gossiping old busybodies!" Legolas cried, his face reddening. "They are all talking about Haldir and me - debating which one of us is the female! We're both _MALES_, you withered old prunes!" he shouted to the trees.

They had made it nearly to the center of the forest, when a deep, grating voice called down to them from the treetops.

"Little Orcs! Welcome back to Fangorn! Where are the two little Hobbitorcs?"

"Treebeard!" Legolas cried with a smile, looking up the tall trunk legs of the Enk. "It's good to see you! Merry and Pippin remain in the Shire, doing well. How fare you since Insengard?"

"Well, thank you...I have found a friend to keep me company. His name is Spud," the Enk answered, bending down to the Walkers' eye level. "I found him when he was just a tuber...he has been with me ever since. Say 'hello' Spud."

Spud stayed silent. Not unusual, since Spud was a potato. Treebeard had stuck little branches in the potato to represent arms and legs. Spud also boasted acorn eyes, and a pine needle nose.

"Oh...well...nice to meet you, er...Spud," Legolas said, eyeing Treebeard. "Um, I do not believe you have met Haldir, Treebeard."

"How do you do, Haldir-friend-of-Legolasorc," Treebeard said.

"Very well, Master Enk. It is an honor to meet you," Haldir answered.

Treebeard held out the potato, waiting.

"Um...hello, Spud," Haldir said, feeling foolish talking to a potato.

"We are on a quest, Treebeard...to find the One who can interpret the Great Ring Ceeunsae's message for us. The Ring speaks in the tongue of animals! Know you of anyone in Fangorn or elsewhere who can speak their language?" Legolas asked the Enk.

Treebeard had pulled up to his full height, and was busily dressing Spud in a tiny leaf jerkin, talking softly to it about some kind of tea party they were to attend.

"Treebeard?" Legolas called again.

"Methinks the Enk has flipped his leaves, Laddie. Best we be getting on our way before he forgets that we're his friends," Gimli said, pulling on Legolas' sleeve. "This is what comes from living in a damn forest by yerself fer so long," he continued, shaking his head. "Talking to yerself and playing with yer potato."

The Walkers slowly backed away from Treebeard, and made their way out of Fangorn. They all breathed easier when they were clear of the dark, forbidding forest with its psychotic, potato-loving shepherd.

"Our next stop is Rohan," Haldir said to the others as they walked across the rocky plains. 'Surely someone there will know of the One we seek! If not, then at least we can enjoy some of the finer activities the city can offer!"

"As long as no one there wants us to play with their potato," Gimli added.


	7. The Numbers Game

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Legolas...did she really make you drop your breeches? **Legolas:** In just about every fic she's ever written...it's starting to get stale. **Haldir: **Author? Are you there? Are you listening? If you even _think_ about making me drop my breeches, I'll reach right out through this computer and wring your neck! Hey...Hey..._HEY!_ _GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!_

_**A/N:** Sorry about the typos in the last chapter...of course it is "Ent" not "Enk" - that's what I get for trying to type at 2:00 in the morning after being up all night in a hurricane while on medication from a car accident! Sorry, guys - please forgive! Also a quick shout out to everyone who was kind enough to review who I couldn't email - Tarilenea, Kelsey, Beastess, and anyone else I may have missed - a great big thank you for your reviews! _

Chapter 7 

**The Numbers Game**

It was nearly noon before the Four Walkers entered the Rohan city of Edoras. They had been walking since dawn, and at least two of them were ready for a pit stop.

"Mister Haldir, I could really use a stop for some food," Sam said, pulling on the big elf's sleeve. "I don't want to use up our supplies when food is readily available here in the city."

"Sam, you couldn't use up all those supplies if we invited the entire city and half the countryside to lunch!" Haldir replied, motioning to the jumble of packages that Sam carried. Haldir walked on ahead, eager to reach Meduseld which held the Golden Hall, where he hoped to speak with Eomer, King of Rohan, about the fantabulous whatzit.

Sighing, Sam said to himself, "You would think I'd be used to it by now...breakfast, lunch, and dinner perhaps - when I can convince them to stop - but definitely no second breakfast, no elevenses, no afternoon tea, no supper...I believe these Elves seek to starve me to death! Where Frodo failed, Haldir seeks to succeed!" He struggled under the weight of his packages as he glumly followed after Haldir.

"Laddie! Me stomach is growling like a cornered warg!" Gimli contributed, pushing his way in front of Haldir and blocking the pathway. "We'll take nary another step without food!"

Haldir looked at Legolas with raised eyebrows. "We might as well stop for a few minutes, Haldir," Legolas said, jerking his thumb at Gimli and Sam, "they'll only whine for the rest of the afternoon if we don't."

"Fine! We'll stop at the first pub we find...but you'll eat faster than you've ever eaten before - no lollygaging - because I fully intend to speak with Eomer today," Haldir replied, looking pointedly at Sam and Gimli.

"Yes, daddy," Sam muttered under his breath.

"Did you say something, Sam?" Haldir asked, narrowing his eyes at the Hobbit.

"No, no...not at all, Mister Haldir...must have been Gimli's stomach you heard," Sam replied innocently, receiving a sour look from Gimli.

They stopped for lunch in a pub called the "Double Trouble Tavern" - not the most reputable place in the city, but it was the first one they had come to. The Elves could not believe how much the Hobbit and the Dwarf could pack away - plate upon plate of food was eaten, pint upon pint of ale was drunk, with no indication that either was reaching his limit. Haldir and Legolas had to finally drag Sam and Gimli out of the place by the scruffs of their necks, both still gnawing on turkey legs and clutching pints of ale in their hands.

Making their way to Meduseld, they entered the Golden Hall, seeking an audience with Eomer. A pair of guards stood just within the entrance, stopping them from going any further.

"Please take a number," the first guard said, pointing to a stack of numbered papers piled near the entrance. "You may have a seat here," he continued, pointing to an area packed with people holding little slips of paper. "Your audience with His Majesty will begin when your number is called."

"A _number_? Do you know who I am?" Haldir asked, pulling himself up haughtily to his full height. "I am Haldir of Lothlorien!" Seeing the unimpressed look on the guard's face, he continued, "The one who brought the Elf archers to help defend Helm's Deep?" Still no reaction from the guard. "The Elf archers who came just in the nick of time, honoring the alliance between Men and Elves?" _Still_ no reaction. "We _saved_ your sorry _asses_ from the _Uruk_ _hai_!" The guard's impassive expression never changed - he just continued pointing toward the stack of numbered papers.

Growling, Haldir swiped a piece of paper from the stack and looked at it. "984? What does this mean?" he asked the guard, waving the paper in the guard's face.

'It means that you have 983 people waiting ahead of you. I'd suggest that you go and get yourself some food and ale while you wait...it may be a couple of days before your number is called."

"We can't wait that long! We are on urgent business, sent by the Queen and King of the Golden Wood! We _must_ see Eomer!"

"_Not_ before your number is called. Either have a seat, or put your number back for someone else to use...you are blocking the doorway!"

Sputtering, Haldir led his party into the crowded waiting area. It was jammed with people waiting for an audience with Eomer - elbow to elbow, standing room only...and the smell was horrific.

"Whew!" Sam said, waving his hand in front of his nose, "someone's had a bit too much roughage in their diet..."

"Sorry," Gimli said, "Must have been those last twenty turkey legs."

"This is ridiculous!" Haldir said after a few moments. "There has to be another way..." He led the other three Walkers out of Meduseld, and began walking around the outside of the building, searching for some other way in.

Looking up the sheer wall of the building, Haldir said, pointing his finger up, "We could do it...we could scale this wall to that window."

The other three Walkers craned their necks to look up the slick, smooth surface to see the tiny window far above them.

Gimli bent further backwards to get a better view of the window, and promptly fell over on his bum. "Yer daft. Plain and simple, Haldir...ye've lost yer mind," Gimli said.

"Legolas..._you_ think we can make it, don't you?" Haldir asked the other Elf.

Legolas cocked an eyebrow at Haldir. "Not a _chance_, mellon nin."

Haldir frowned at Legolas, then turned and got a finger and foothold on the wall. He heaved himself up, and began to work his way up the vertical wall. The tendons in his arms and neck stood out like ropes under his fair skin. His face reddened with exertion; the muscles in his thighs strained the fabric of his leggings, as he fought his way up.

"YOU SEE?" He shouted down at his companions, nearly twenty minutes later, "I TOLD YOU WE COULD DO IT!"

"Haldir, you've only climbed three feet up," Legolas said, tapping Haldir on the shoulder. Haldir turned his head to look into Legolas' blue eyes. Sighing, he released his hold on the wall and stepped back onto the ground.

"I have an idea..." Sam said from under the bundles he carried.

Everyone turned to stare at the Hobbit, eyebrows raised.

"It better not have anything to do with food, eating, drinking, or smoking," Haldir warned the Hobbit.

"Please...a little credit, Mister Haldir! I was thinking that perhaps we could find Eowyn and Faramir...Eowyn _is _Eomer's Sister, after all. One would think _she_ could get us an audience!" Sam offered.

"I take it all back, Sam...that's an excellent idea! Anyone know where we might find them?" Haldir exclaimed, slapping the Hobbit on the back, causing him to fall face forward in the dirt.

"Aye," Sam replied, spitting out a mouthful of dirt, "last I heard they had taken up residence in a house on the east side of the city, after their marriage."

Without another word, Haldir turned and began walking east. Legolas helped Sam up, and they followed Haldir to search for the newlyweds.


	8. Putty In My Hands

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** I could have climbed that wall. Why do you _always_ feel the need to make me seem foolish? **Me:** Arrogant Elf! Turn around. **Haldir:** What? Why? **Me:** Just do it. I want to show you something. **Haldir:** For Eru's sake...HEY! You just pinched my butt! **Me:** Well, I wanted to show you how easy it is to make you look foolish...that's why I do it so much. **Legolas: **I warned you, Haldir... **Me:** Legolas, turn around...

**A/N:** A special thanks to everyone who caught the typos in the last couple of chapters...thanks for pointing them out, I appreciate the help! Also, if you get the time, check out my first co-authored fic with Southerngirl4615. Our collective pen name is The Furious Fates, and the fic is called "'Ro and 'Dan's Incredible Roadside Freakshow." We each take turns posting a chapter where the other left off - so even WE aren't sure where the story's going! Chapter 5 is currently up. Feel free to review!

Chapter 8 

**Putty In My Hands**

The Four Walkers made their way eastward through the city of Edoras, searching for the house that was home to Eowyn and Faramir. It would have been a pleasant enough walk if Haldir hadn't insisted on them doing double time, so that they might reach the house faster. Gimli and Sam's little legs were practically a blur as they strove to keep up with the longer strides of the Elves. Sam was sweating profusely under his jumble of bundles, and Gimli was swearing up a blue streak as he struggled to keep up.

"Haldir!" Gimli called, "_Slow down_! It won't do us any good to get to Eowyn and Faramir's faster if I be dead of a heart attack!" He stopped in his tracks, bent over, gulping for air.

"Haldir," Legolas said, looking back over his shoulder at the gasping Dwarf and Hobbit, "Perhaps we should slow our pace a bit...Sam looks as though he's going to throw up, and Gimli may soon be dead."

Haldir stopped, and turned to look at the smallest members of the Walkers. "You two have let yourselves go soft since the War! Look at you - panting and gasping like fish out of water! You should be ashamed - how will you keep up during this Quest?"

"We'd keep up just fine if ye'd set a normal pace, ye overblown Elf Scout! Slow DOWN!" Gimli shouted, using the last of his air, and sat firmly down in the dirt, panting.

"Argh! You'd do well to mind your tongue, Dwarf! I am the Ringbearer, remember? I deserve a little respect!"

"If ye don't slow down, ye'll find that precious Ring shoved up yer precious Elven arse!" Gimli retorted, finding his wind. "I'll not put up with any Elf who thinks he be more important that the rest simply because he has a whatzit tied to his belt! "

Haldir's face registered shock at Gimli's temerity to address him in such a manner.

"Haldir...just ignore him. He gets like this once in a while...he'll calm down," Legolas cautioned, putting his hand on Haldir's arm.

Haldir fingered the whatzit tied to his belt, growling at the Dwarf still sitting in the dirt of the road. "If the Lady hadn't predicted that I would meet three others to join my quest, I would gladly wrap that axe of yours around your fat head!"

"Bah! You and what Elf army?"

The argument was interrupted by a voice calling to them from a nearby shop. "Haldir? Legolas? Whatever are you doing in Rohan?"

The Elves turned in the direction of the voice to see Eowyn standing in the doorway of a dress shop, holding a few bundles in her arms and a wide smile on her face.

"Eowyn! You are just the person we were looking for!" Haldir exclaimed, stepping forward to greet her. Legolas gave her a broad smile, lifting his hand in greeting.

"It has been far too long since Elves have graced Edoras! How good it is to see you again! Is that Sam the Hobbit I see peeking out from all those bundles? And Gimli! My favorite Dwarf!" Eowyn exclaimed, setting her purchases down so that she could hug them all. "What brings you to Edoras?" she asked picking up her bundles again.

"We are on a quest, Lady Eowyn, sent by Galadrial and Celeborn. Is Faramir at home? We should like to explain to both of you the great purpose of our visit!" Haldir asked, taking Eowyn's packages from her hands.

"Aye, he is at home...he is _always_ at home," she answered, a frown flitting across her face. "It is but a few more steps to our door. Come!" Eowyn began walking, leading them further down the road. They came to a lovely thatched cottage set apart from the others on the street, surrounded by a small, well tended lawn and a white picket fence.

Eowyn led them into the house, calling out for Faramir as they entered.

"I'm in the back room!" Faramir called back.

Eowyn sighed, rolling her eyes at Haldir. "He hasn't left that back room in weeks, except for meals. He even sleeps back there, when he sleeps at all! I barely even _see_ him anymore!"

"What keeps him back there, when he has such a beautiful wife to attend?" Haldir asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Eowyn blushed at the Elf's compliment. "He has made a discovery, and seeks to find a use for it."

"Amazing! I, too, have made a discovery - that is the reason for our Quest!" Haldir answered. Calling out loudly, he said, "Faramir! It is Haldir - I must speak with you!"

"Haldir? One moment...I will be right out!" Faramir called back.

Eowyn motioned for them all to take seats at the table, and set about serving them food and drink while they waited for Faramir to make his appearance.

Faramir stepped out the back room, looking as though he may not have slept in weeks. His clothes were rumpled and soiled; his hair stood up every which way on top of his head. He carried something small in the cup of his hand.

"Haldir! Legolas! Gimli! Sam! To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" Faramir asked, smiling at the group. Without waiting for an answer, he continued, "I have made a discovery! Let me show you..." He held out his hand to Haldir. In the cup of his palm lay a small, egg shaped ball of dough.

"What is it, Faramir?" Haldir asked, not very impressed, but not wanting to be rude. "What is its purpose?"

"Ahhh...I have spent weeks trying to determine just that! It was only this morning that I discovered its purpose! Watch!" he exclaimed, his eyes fanatically wide.

Faramir pulled a scroll out from the pocket of his jerkin, and unrolled it on the table. He took the egg shaped ball of dough and pressed it down over the symbols on the scroll. Slowly peeling it off the scroll he held the flattened ball up so that the Walkers could see it. The symbols from the scroll were now also written on the flattened piece of dough.

"You see? It mimics the writings on the scroll!" Faramir said proudly.

"What purpose does mimicking the symbols serve, Faramir? You've spent weeks on this, and this is the best you can come up with?" Eowyn asked, her brows knitted in frustration.

"Don't start in on me, woman! This is a great discovery!" Faramir shot back, giving Eowyn a stern look.

"Great discovery? Great discovery my _butt_! You haven't touched me in weeks and why? Because you were too busy playing with your putty in the back room, that's why!"

The Walkers winced at the argument between husband and wife.

'I'm telling you that this is a great discovery...I have just begun to delve into its mysteries!" Faramir shouted, waving the flat piece of dough in Eowyn's face.

"If you don't start spending some time with me instead of that stupid ball of dough, I'm going to tell my brother that you've completely lost your mind!"

"Don't drag your brother into this! Every time we have an argument you threaten to run to your brother! This discovery is important. It may very well change the course of history!"

"Seems a little silly to me..." Gimli whispered to Sam as they watched the newlyweds' battle.

"Excuse me...I hate to interrupt, but perhaps you might allow me to show you MY discovery?" Haldir said, privately thinking that Eowyn was right - Faramir _had_ lost it.

Eowyn and Faramir paused in their bickering as Haldir held up the Whatzit for them to see. He pulled the ring, and smiled as the Whatzit said, "_The chicken goes CLUCK_."

"Now _THIS_ is a discovery..." Eowyn said, diving right back into the argument. "_THIS_ is amazing! _THIS_ is worth spending time on - not that idiotic lump of dough! _THIS_..."

"SHUT UP, you nagging hag! Do you want to know the _real_ reason I spend all my time in the back room? You think it's because of this stupid bit of dough? NO! It's because I am sick and tired of you nagging at me all the time! '_Faramir...'" _he continued, imitating Eowyn's higher pitched voice_, "'Why can't you be like my brother, the King? Faramir, when are you going to make your mark in history? Faramir, why are you wearing my nightgown?'"_

The Walker's eyes popped out at these last words and they stared at Faramir with open mouths. Faramir realized what he had said, turned crimson, and stalked away into the back room, slamming the door behind him.

Haldir cleared his throat, then addressed Eowyn, who was staring daggers at the closed door of the back room, "Um...Eowyn...the reason we were looking for you was to ask if you could possibly get us an audience with your brother..."

"Certainly, Haldir...It seems I've a need to speak with Eomer, anyway! We'll see just how long Faramir wants to remain in that back room when my brother's guards are beating him senseless!"

She turned and stormed out of the house, the Walkers scurrying to keep up with her.


	9. King Takes Knight

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Wow, Eowyn's quite the nag, isn't she? And Faramir! I would never have believed him the type to enjoy wearing women's clothing. **Legolas:** Come on, Haldir...surely you noticed the black fish net stockings he wore under his leggings during the War. Why did you think his father preferred Boromir and gave him such a hard time? **Haldir:** No! _Really_? Did Eowyn know? **Legolas: **_Everyone_ knew. **Haldir:** Why am I always left out of the loop? I'm always the last to know _anything_! **Me:** If you two Elven busybodies are done gossiping, I'd like to continue with the story...

Chapter 9 

**King Takes Knight**

Eowyn led The Four Walkers back to into Meduseld, right up to the guards who were blocking the entrance. She stopped and stared at the guards who stood in the doorway of the Great Hall.

The guards took one look at the expression on the Shieldmaiden's face, and backed away, allowing her party to pass unmolested into the Golden Hall.

Marching up the aisle, they could see supplicants kow-towing to Eomer, who sat regally upon his throne, dressed in his kingly finery. Seeing his sister storming up the aisle toward him, he rolled his eyes and motioned for the guards to escort his current audience away.

Sighing, he addressed his sister, not yet noticing just who her company was. "What now, Eowyn? This had better be good - those people who just left had waited two days to get in to see me."

Finally noticing the Walkers behind her, he grinned. "Well, look who's come to visit! What brings the Lorien March Warden and members of the Fellowship to Rohan?"

"You can talk to them in a minute, Eomer," Eowyn said, standing before her brother, her hands on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. "I need to talk to you about Faramir."

"What has he done _now_? You know, I warned you about marrying him...insanity runs in his family - look at how Denethor ended up!"

"Let's not get into _that_ again, Eomer...he's a good man, and I love him...it's just that we're having a little bit of a hard time, right now. He's obsessed with that doughy thing!" Eowyn retorted, pouting.

"Exactly what would you like me to do about it?" Eomer asked his sister.

"Send a few guards to scare the bejesus out of him - that's what I want you to do. Get him to forget about that stupid putty of his and pay some attention to me!"

"Fine. Anything to get you to stop _whining_," Eomer said, motioning to one of his guards to go with Eowyn. "Tell Faramir that I will designate him the...er...Royal Putty Steward," he instructed his guard. "Providing he spends his nights at home with his wife, where he belongs, he can spend his days in the Library with his putty."

Eowyn smiled happily and set off with the guard for home, waving goodbye to the Walkers as she passed them.

Turning his attention to the Walkers at last, he bid them welcome again.

The Walkers bowed their respect to the King of Rohan, and Haldir approached the throne.

"Eomer, it has indeed been too long! But this not a social visit...we come at the bequest of Galadrial and Celeborn. We have been sent on a quest because of this!" Haldir held out the Whatzit. He pulled the ring, and the Whatzit said, "_The donkey says BRAY_."

"What manner of witchcraft is this?" Eomer said, scrunching up on his throne, eyeing the Whatzit suspiciously.

"This is the Great Ring Ceeunsae, and our quest is to find the One who can interpret its animal tongue! I found the Great Ring nearly buried in the forest floor in Lothlorien."

"Can I try it?" Eomer asked Haldir, reaching out for the Whatizit.

"No."

"I just want to pull it a little, Haldir."

"You cannot pull my Ring, Eomer. Pull your own Ring."

"There is no fun in pulling my own Ring," he said looking at the thick golden band on his finger. "I want to pull yours - it's much bigger than mine."

"Keep your hands off my Ring, Eomer. I am sorry that you do not have a big Ring, but I am the only one that is allowed to pull _my_ Ring."

"You're being very selfish about your Ring, Haldir."

"I cannot help it. I am very protective of my Ring, Eomer. I have not let Legolas, Gimli, or Sam pull my Ring either."

"I don't _want_ to pull your Ring, Haldir!" Gimli said, before collapsing into guffaws. "I doubt Legolas or Sam are interested in pulling it either!"

Legolas was having a hard time keeping a straight face. "Aye, Haldir...you can just pull your Ring yourself."

"I wanted to pull it. Haldir would not allow me to touch it," Sam said seriously.

"Oh, for Eru's sake...you all need to _grow up_!" Haldir shouted, finally catching on to what the other two were laughing about.

"Eomer, have you any knowledge of anyone in Rohan who might speak the language of the animals? We seek such a One to translate the message of the Ring," Haldir asked, trying to change the subject.

"I'll tell you if you let me pull your Ring, Haldir."

"You are _impossible_, Eomer. Alright - you can pull it once. But be very gentle...it's very sensitive," Haldir replied, ignoring the increased laughter of the Elf and Dwarf behind him.

Eomer pulled Haldir's Ring, with obvious delight. The Whatzit said, _"The lion says "ROAR."_

"Amazing, Haldir, simply amazing...but beware...you know that luck does not always follow the bearer of a Ring," Eomer said, still staring intently at Haldir's Ring. "I have heard of such a person as you seek. Rumor has it that there lives in Gondor a person who can speak to the animals. Search for the One you seek in Aragorn's domain."

"Thank you, Eomer...you have been a great help. We leave at first light for Gondor!"

"I shall always remember fondly pulling your Ring, Haldir. You are welcome back here anytime," Eomer said in farewell. He motioned for his guards to bring in the next person waiting for an audience.

The Walkers left the Golden Hall, Gimli and Legolas still chuckling, much to Haldir's annoyance.


	10. Of Party Favors and Table Dancing

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** That is _ABSOLUTELY_ the _last_ straw! I will _NOT_ meekly sit by while you blacken my name with silly double entendres about pulling my Ring! **Legolas:** Shhh, Haldir...don't make her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's _angry_... **Haldir: **I don't _like_ her when she's _NOT_ angry...what's the difference? **Legolas:** Oh, brother..._now_ you've done it. Don't say I didn't warn you... **Me:** bwhaaaahaaa...

Chapter 10

**Of Party Favors and Table Dancing**

**The** four Walkers had been...well..._walking_ for the better part of a week before they spied the spiraling white tower of Minas Tirith in the distance.

"Thank Eru...I thought we'd _never_ get here!" Sam cried, still toiling under the weight of his bundles, and trailing behind the others.

"Sam...why don't ye ditch some of those supplies ye've been toting...we're nearly to Minas Tirith, now. Ye know Aragorn will not let us leave empty handed," Gimli said to the struggling Hobbit.

"Not a _chance_, Master Dwarf! With my luck, we'll fall in a big hole...or be abducted by slavers...or face some such peril before we reach the city, and then we'll be without food! I'll not risk leaving _anything_ behind!" Sam replied from somewhere under the still huge pile of bundles he carried.

"Fool of a Took," Gimli said derisively.

"I'm not a Took...that would be Pippin," Sam retorted. "I'm a Gamgee."

"Fool of a Gamgee, then! A fool is a fool is a fool..." Gimli amended, chuckling.

"You'll not be thinking me so foolish when I'm passing out sausage and carrots while we're held captive by some scoundrels now, will you, Master Dwarf?" Sam replied, a little put off by Gimli's remarks.

"Do ye really think that slavers would allow ye to keep yer bundles?"

Sam thought a moment, then gasped, and gripped his packages even more tightly than before. His short little legs were suddenly doing double time toward Minas Tirith.

They entered the city through the Great Gate just as the sun began to set behind the Misty Mountains. Working their way up the seven spiraling levels to the White Tower, they eventually came to stand in front of the King's House.

The sentries at the door recognized Legolas, Gimli, and Sam at once, if not Haldir. They were granted immediate access to the King's House, and ushered reverently into a waiting room. It was but a few moments later that Arwen stepped into the door to greet them.

Soon enough, she was enveloping them all in fierce hugs, alternating weeping gallons of tears, and laughing like a loon. She was also visibly preggers, which explained the mood swings.

"What brings you all to Gondor? **sob** I didn't think we'd ever get to see you again! **laugh** I've missed you all so much! **sob** Wait until you see the nursery! **laugh** You don't happen to have any pickled turnips on you, do you? **sob**"

"Arwen, it is wonderful to see you, too - both of you!" Legolas smiled, putting his hand on Arwen's belly. "I sense that the baby is a fine, healthy, boy!"

"I know...I had a vision, remember? **growl** Are you trying to say I'm stupid and can't sense my own baby? **sob**," Arwen's mood swings were getting worse by the minute.

"Um...where's Estel?" Legolas asked, backing away from raging hormonal tornado that was currently inhabiting Arwen's body.

"He'll be here in a moment...he has something he wants to show you, **sob**," Arwen replied, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.

No sooner had the words left her mouth, but the door opened and Aragorn walked in. Instantly, the Walkers and Aragorn were wrapped together in a tremendous group hug, much to Haldir's discomfort. Hugs were generally not his thing.

"Aragorn! We come at the bequest of Galadrial and Celeborn," Haldir said, starting to repeat, for the umpteenth time, the story of the Great Ring Ceeunsae. "I found this..."

Aragorn cut him off, too excited by his own discovery to allow Haldir to finish the story.

"That's great, Haldir...look at what _I've_ got!" Aragorn held out a simple hoop, about 3 feet in diameter.

"Estel, that's a very nice...er...hoop," Legolas commented, thinking that Aragorn must be a bit overworked.

"It's not just a hoop, Legolas...look what I can do with it!" Aragorn slipped the hoop over his head and held it over his waist. He spun the hoop and began gyrating his hips, which kept the hoop spinning around his waist. "Isn't it great? It's so much fun!"

"Aragorn...Estel...STRIDER!" Haldir shouted, grabbing the hoop and stopping its spin. "I have an important question to ask you - could you stop this senseless jiggling for just a moment, please?"

"Oh, I _am_ sorry, Haldir...of course," Aragorn said apologetically, stepping out of the hoop. "What is it?"

Arwen grabbed the hoop from Aragorn's hand and slipped it over her head. It lodged firmly around her huge stomach, while she looked down at it forlornly. "**Sob**"

"As I was saying...we are on a quest, sent by Galadrial and Celeborn to find the One who can speak the language of the animals. We need to ask the One to translate the message of this, the Great Ring Ceeunsae!" Haldir said as he held out the Whatzit. He pulled the ring and the Whatzit said, "_the mouse says SQUEAK."_ "Eomer said that rumor had it such a One dwells somewhere in Gondor. Have you heard of such a person?" Haldir continued.

"Aye! The rumor is true! Shortly after the War, it was brought to my attention that there lived one in my realm who could speak to the animals. She lives right here in Minas Tirith. I have already ordered a celebration in honor of your visit, and I will send a guard at once to bring her! Come along and freshen up for the party!" He said, leading them out of the room and up the stairs to the guests' quarters.

Arwen followed slowly, alternately sniffling and giggling, the hoop still firmly wedged around her middle.

**As** soon as the Walkers were sufficiently bathed, combed, and dressed to be seen in decent company again (deodorant, soap, and a brush being three of the few things NOT in Sam's bag of supplies), they were escorted by guards down to the Merethrond - the Feast Hall. Candlelight blazed fiercely through the windows, and the Walkers could hear the happy sounds of the crowd from outside the hall.

Their arrival at the Feast Hall was heralded by trumpets, and a major domo formally announced each one as he walked down the aisle to the head table, where Aragorn and Arwen (presumably the hoop had been pried off previously) were already seated.

The partygoers bowed and curtsied to the Walkers as they passed. Aragorn stood and commanded the attention of the crowd once all the Walkers were at the head table.

"Friends, Citizens of Gondor! We are pleased to welcome to our lands some of the brave heroes of the Fellowship, and Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien! Eat, drink, and be merry and celebrate their arrival in Minas Tirith!"

A great shout went up from the crowd, as food was brought and ale and wine flowed like water. Musicians took up their instruments, and a lively tune filled the hall.

The Walkers took their seats at the head table. Sam sat next to Gimli, Legolas, and Haldir on Aragorn's left, grateful that Aragorn separated them from his weepy/giggly wife, who sat on the other side of him.

Looking down at his place setting, Haldir picked up a huge, golden oversized Ring with Elven symbols engraved on it. He turned the Ring over in his hands to read it, "One Ring to bring them..." "Aragorn, what in the devil is this?" he asked, cocking his eyebrow.

"A party favor, Haldir...Arwen insisted on party favors."

"It looks like the One Ring..."

"It is supposed to look like the One Ring, We had had them ordered for our wedding, but they didn't arrive in time. Arwen thought this the perfect occasion to use them," Aragorn explained.

"They're chocolate!" Sam chimed in, his face already covered in the brown confection, the golden paper crumbled up in front of his plate.

"Aragorn," Haldir said impatiently, "Where is this girl whom you said speaks the language of the animals? I must speak with her immediately!"

"Relax, Haldir...she's here - somewhere," Aragorn said, "just try to enjoy the party for a while, will you? Here, Elrond sent this for our first year anniversary. You must have some." He handed Haldir a glass of dark red liquid.

Sipping the liquid, Haldir remarked, "It is very good, Aragorn...I hope you're not drinking this Elvenmead...you remember what happened the last time you did!" A rare smile graced Haldir's face as he remembered Aragorn becoming dead drunk and passing out for three days.

"I've learned my lesson, thank you very much," Aragorn replied, slightly embarrassed. "Elrond sent it for Arwen, actually, though she is not drinking right now because of her delicate condition."

"You don't love me any more because I'm _fat_! **sob**" Arwen cried from the other side of Aragorn. He turned to comfort her, leaving Haldir to his drink.

As the hours past, the revelers became more and more rowdy, with everyone in attendance, including the Walkers, eating huge amounts of food, and imbibing even larger amounts of alcohol.

**Sunlight** filtered in through the curtained windows of the Feast Hall. Haldir stirred, rubbing his eyes with his fists, as he tried to remember where he was.

'I'd not sit up too quickly...you're most likely to have a wicked headache this morning, March Warden," came a soft voice from somewhere to his right.

He slowly sat up, leaning against a wall. He quickly noted that he was indeed, still in the Feast Hall, on the floor, and covered with a tablecloth.

"How do you know who I am...I do not recall meeting you last night," Haldir said, squinting as the light from the window cut through his skull like a knife. He looked at the wisp of a girl seated near him, and noticed, even through his pain, that she was quite pretty - for a human.

"Oh, we met last night, all right...and it's completely understandable why you don't remember...you drank enough last night to float an armada."

"I was NOT drunk...Oww!" Haldir said, putting a hand to his head. "There must have been something wrong with the wine."

"The only thing wrong with the wine was how much of it you threw down your throat."

"Woman...who are you to dare speak to me this way?" Haldir said, not in the best of moods because of his tremendous headache.

"Don't you remember our introduction? I'm Caladria."

"No I do NOT remember our introduction, and that still gives you no right to speak to me the way you did. You hardly _know_ me!"

"I hardly think that there's anything about you I _don't_ know," Caladria said, giggling softly. "Considering that when we met, you were dancing on the top of the table I was seated at."

"_Everyone_ was dancing on the table tops!" Haldir retorted.

"Yes, but no one else was dancing on the table top without a stitch of clothing on."

Haldir's eyebrows shot up toward the ceiling and an angry crimson blush began to creep up his neck. "_Outrageous_! How _dare_ you insinuate that I, the March Warden and Guardian of the Golden Wood..."

"Take a peek under the tablecloth, if you don't believe me," Caladria interrupted.

Haldir picked up the edge of the tablecloth, and immediately paled. She was right - he was a naked as the day he was born. He slapped a hand over his face, wondering how he was _EVER_ going to live this down.

"Since you don't remember our meeting, let me remind you...I am the One you've been seeking. I am the One who speaks with the animals."


	11. If We Could Talk To the Animals

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** You are a horrible woman. It's really that simple. You are a horrible, mean-spirited, sadistic, rotten, _spiteful_ woman. **Me:** You don't really _mean_ that, do you Haldir? If you did, it would make me very sad. And being sad makes me angry. You _know_ what happens when I'm angry. **Haldir:** You are a wonderful woman. It's really that simple. You are a wonderful, gentle, soulful, sweet, _sensitive_ woman. **Me:** I _don't_ believe you, March Warden. **Haldir:** Oh, Eru...no...

Chapter 11 

**If We Could Talk To the Animals**

Haldir blinked as it registered that _this _young woman, the person he had searched Arda for - the One who could translate the words of the Great Ring Ceeunsae, - was _also_ witness to him drunkenly doing who-knows-what on top of a table in his birthday suit.

Faced with certain humiliation, he did what the majority of males of most sapient species would do - he went on the offensive.

"Why are you still sitting here? The party must have broken up hours ago. A lady would not be sitting next to a near naked Elf all night without a chaperone!"

Caladria laughed merrily, causing Haldir's eyebrows to shoot up to his hairline. "I hardly think you were any danger to me, March Warden...you slept so soundly you didn't even notice me cover you with that tablecloth!"

"You...covered...you are NO lady!" Haldir sputtered, his embarrassment intensifying by the second.

"Really, March Warden, if your face turns any more red, you'll match the color of the Elvenmead you seem to be so fond of. You really should be thanking me, you know...who knows WHO might have found you this morning, and in what condition, if I had not kept guard all night."

I do _NOT_ need some silly human girl keeping watch over ME! I am Haldir, March Warden and..."

"Guardian of Lothlorien, Leader of the Elf Archers at Helm's Deep, Bearer of the Great Ring Ceeunsae, yadda, yadda, yadda..." Caladria rolled her eyes as she finished his sentence. "I know, I know...you told me _all_ about it last night in between your high kicks."

"Arghh! No lady would speak of such things! Where did you learn your manners, young woman? Mordor?"

"You're just embarrassed because _you_ decided to go au natural last night."

"Aw what?"

"Au natural...naked. Besides, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about anyway. You're quite well put together."

For the first time in his long, long life, Haldir was struck speechless. No _young_ woman, or _old_ woman, or Elleth of _any_ age that he knew of would _dare_ utter such a remark to a complete stranger. They probably would not even say such a thing to their husbands! More than likely, any other woman who was in the room last night covered their eyes and ran screaming into the night the moment he began to unhook his tunic. Who was this young human female to have sat through such a performance?

"Where are my clothes?" he asked gruffly, not wanting to meet her eyes again. Suddenly, a though struck him. The Ring! The Great Ring! It had been tied to his belt last night, as it had been every night since the first day he found it. Where was his belt? _Where_ was the Great Ring?

Caladria saw him pale, and thought she knew the reason for it. She reached under the table, and pulled out Haldir's belt, the Great Ring still attached.

"I believe a drunken Dwarf ran off with your clothing, but you were swinging _this_ around your head at the time. I managed to save it," she said, holding out his belt, the Great Ring dangling from it. "Is this what you were worried about?" She smiled as relief flooded Haldir's features.

Haldir reached for his belt, keeping a firm grip on the tablecloth that covered him with his other hand. He saw the gentle smile on the girl's face, and was suddenly ashamed of how he had acted. It was _his_ fault for getting drunk...who was _he_ to criticize _her_? He realized that, for all his growling and insulting words, she had never lost her composure...it was more than he would have been able to do in her place.

"I...uh...am sorry, Milady. I had no call to condemn you for your behavior, when my own was so reprehensible," he said, looking down at the Great Ring. "I thank you for keeping the Great Ring safe for me."

"Great Ring? _That's_ the Great Ring Ceeunsae? Oh, my stars...March Warden...oh, my stars," Caladria whispered, her eyes growing large as she stared at the Ring.

"I must ask a favor, Milady...and after the way I spoke to you I would hardly blame you if you refuse, but it means a great deal to Lothlorien, indeed all of Arda. I beg your forgiveness, _and_ your indulgence. Will you please translate the words of the Great Ring, so that all of Arda might benefit from its wisdom?" Haldir asked in the nicest, most polite, most dignified voice he could manage, under the circumstances.

"March Warden...may I call you Haldir? We need to talk about this Great Ring. I indeed will translate for you, but you must hear my story first. I think you should go and...er...freshen up a bit. Perhaps we can meet back here in an hour?"

Haldir could do no more than acquiesce. Caladria rose from the table, and walked out of the Feast Hall, leaving Haldir able to rise without worrying about dropping either the Great Ring, or the tablecloth. He didn't see the look of concern on her face as she walked out into the morning sunlight.

Wrapping the tablecloth around his waist, he tried to nonchalantly jog back to the King's House. Sticking mainly to the bushes, he managed to get there without too many cockeyed glances and chuckles from passers by.

He found his way to his room, and changed into his jerkin and leggings, and tied his belt - along with the Great Ring - around his waist. Feeling much better now that he was fully clothed again, he walked downstairs again, intending to go back to the Feast Hall and wait for Caladria.

"Haldir! Hold up a moment!" called a very familiar voice. Haldir froze, his spine beginning to crawl. Gimli. Exactly the one person he least wanted to see.

"Laddie! Were ye not missing anything this morning when ye woke?" Gimli laughed, enjoying Haldir's discomfort immensely. "I believe ye were missing things even last night! Oh, Laddie, ye should have seen yerself! Not in a million years would I have thought ye'd be so...er...free spirited!" Tears of mirth found their way from Gimli's eyes and trickled down into his beard.

"Are you quite done, Master Dwarf? I would appreciate it if you would return my clothes to my room while I am gone," Haldir said, with as much dignity as he could muster. "If you will excuse me, I have an appointment to make."

"Bah! Such a haughty air from one who was jumping about like a lunatic in his altogether last night!"

"Master Dwarf, I will not continue this conversation. I bid you a good day!" Haldir sniffed, as he turned and stalked away from the Dwarf, Gimli's laughter still ringing in his ears. "I just knew he'd never let me hear the end of it. I'll hear about this all the way back to Lothlorien!" Haldir thought to himself, and he walked back to the Feast Hall.


	12. The Truth About Cats and Dogs

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir: **I give...uncle, uncle! **Legolas:** Me, too. I give up. Do what you wish with me. **Legolas and Haldir:** We're not worthy! We're not worthy! **Me:** _STOP THAT!_ There's nothing worse than groveling Elves. **Haldir:** I brought you a cookie. **Legolas:** _I_ brought you _two _cookiies. **Me:** Knock it off, you two! **Haldir:** Let me give you a back rub. **Legolas:** Let _me_ give you a pedicure... **Me:** Stop it - you're scaring me! **Haldir:** Shall I drop my drawers now? **Legolas:** No - me first! Me first! **Me:** ARGHHHH!

**Legolas:** Is she gone? **Haldir:** Let me check...yeah, she's gone. Quick! Get to the keyboard! Next chapter, she's in for a _BIG_ surprise. **Legolas:** Mwhahahahahahaha.

Chapter 12 

**The Truth About Cats and Dogs**

The Feast Hall was empty, save for a servant or two cleaning up the last remnants of the previous night's party. Haldir sat at the one of the tables near the rear of the room, waiting for Caladria to meet him as promised.

He had placed the Great Ring reverently on the tabletop, and was thinking back on his trek through Arda with it. "Soon, very soon, I will at last know the Great Ring's message," he thought, running his finger over its smooth red surface. He felt a mixture of excitement and disappointment - excitement because the message would soon be revealed, and disappointment because the quest would soon be over. So deep in thought was he, that Caladria's arrival almost went unnoticed.

A small noise behind him caught his attention. Turning he saw Caladria walking toward him and he bowed low as she approached, saying, "Thank you for returning, Milady. I am most anxious for this meeting!" He pulled out a chair for her to sit, then seated himself next to her at the table.

Caladria looked down at the Great Ring Ceeunsae, and fingered the white ring that stuck out of its side. She looked deep in thought and Haldir didn't want to disturb her, even though his curiosity was nearly unbearable. He distracted himself by discreetly looking her over.

She was older than he had originally thought...not elderly, by any means, but not the young maiden he had at first imagined. There was an air of maturity about her. She was very pretty, for a human, and her hair was as red as Gimli's, though it looked silky soft through the fillet that bound it. She startled him out of his thoughts by looking up at him with soft blue eyes.

"Haldir...before I tell you what the...um...Great Ring says, I must first tell you a story - the story of how I came to be here in Minas Tirith. It will seem strange to you, and unbelievable at best, but I assure you, every word is true."

"Couldn't you translate first, and tell the story second?" Haldir asked impatiently, not really interested in how she came to live in Minas Tirith.

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea."

"I mean no offense, Milady...but I really want to know what the Ring says."

"You need to hear the story first!"

"No I don't. I need to hear the translation first!"

"Story!"

"Translation!"

"STORY!"

"TRANSLATION!"

"Are you _always_ this stubborn?" Caladria finally asked, brows knitted in a frown.

"Are _YOU_?" Haldir retorted, frowning himself, and crossing his arms over his chest.

"FINE! You want to know what it says? Fine. I'll tell you," Caladria said angrily. She turned the arrow on the center of the Whatzit, and pulled the white ring. _"The cow says, Moo."_

"The Great Ring Ceeunsae, in its infinite wisdom and incomparable insight, said, 'The cow says Moo.' Are you _happy_ _now_?" Caladria asked Haldir, crossing _her_ arms over _her_ chest.

An uncertain smile flitted across Haldir's face. "Very funny, Milady. Now, tell me what does it really say?"

"That _is_ what it _really_ says."

Haldir searched Caladria's face for some hint that she was joking - as ill timed as that joke might be. He saw none. She was dead serious.

"The cow says Moo. _That's_ what it says? The cow says _MOO_?" Haldir exploded, jumping up from his chair and staring down at the red Whatzit. "I've just dragged my sorry ass all through Arda, putting up with a packrat Hobbit; a Dwarf who will tease me for all eternity about my indiscretion last night; and an Elf who thinks he's Eru's gift to archery just for you to tell me that this red piece of junk says, _'THE COW SAYS MOO?_'"

"I _told_ you to listen to my story first. You wouldn't listen. I don't think you _EVER_ listen."

Haldir was at a loss...he was torn between stomping the red Whatzit to pieces beneath his boot, and throttling Caladria for what he _prayed_ was her poorly timed sense of twisted humor.

"Sit down, Haldir, and let me explain," Caladria said, not liking the look on Haldir's face one bit. He sat, but still stared at the Whatzit with murder in his eyes.

"I was born in this world, Haldir, but not in this time. My home is far into the future...further than I think even _you_, as an Elf, can imagine. My people are descendents of Men, and they are builders of great machines..."

"And you sprout wings and bring fair dreams to sleeping children?" Haldir snorted contemptuously.

"Do you _mind_ if I finish my story? Really, you are the _most_ arrogant Elf I've ever met!" Caladria said. "One of my people built a machine, for your information, that enabled an individual to travel the threads of time!"

"Let me guess..._you_ were that person, right?" Haldir began to chuckle, forgetting for a moment how disgusted he was at the translation of the words of the Whatzit.

"Are you laughing because of the idea of travelling through time, or because of the idea of a woman building such a machine? Choose your words wisely, March Warden," Caladria hissed, so angry that she could have wrung his overbearing neck.

"Both!" Haldir laughed, gripping the edge of the table, guffawing.

"You are the most insufferable person I have EVER had the displeasure of meeting. You ask me for a favor, and I try to do the right thing by telling you the truth, and you dare laugh? You know, I could have simply lied - made up some worthless piece of nonsense, and sent you on your way. Instead, I risk everything by telling you the truth only to have you spit back in my face!" Caladria stood, ready to storm off, angry tears in her eyes.

Haldir gained his senses just in time. Grabbing her wrist, he said, "No, please...finish your tale. I know not whether to believe you - you must admit it sounds like child's fairytale - but I will listen."

"Fine," she said, wrenching her arm from Haldir's grasp. "To answer your question - no, I was _not_ the inventor of the machine. That was my fiancée."

"You are to be wed?" Haldir frowned, not knowing why this statement should upset him so much.

"Not anymore...he won't be born for eons." The simplicity of her statement, and sorrow in her voice made Haldir question whether or not her story, fantastic as it might be, could possibly be true.

"I was a veterinarian. I treated and mid-wifed animals, Haldir. That's why the people here believe I can talk to them. I can diagnose their ailments, and usually, although not always, make them well. Anyway, my fiancé was a great scientist, who built a wonderful machine. I was the test subject. He didn't want me to go - he said it was too dangerous, but I insisted. I can be a very stubborn person."

"Nooo! I would not believe that of _you_," Haldir interjected sarcastically, humor in his eyes.

"_Are_ you going to let me finish?" Caladria said with annoyance.

"Pardon me. Pray continue."

"The thing you must understand, Haldir, is that I didn't come here just once...I came here twice. The first time was to a beautiful forest, full of golden leafed trees with silver trunks."

"Mallorn trees? You were in Lothlorien?" Haldir asked, his eyes widening. Suddenly he felt he knew what she was going to say next.

"Yes. Of course I didn't know it was Lothlorien then...I didn't even know whether I had actually traveled back in time. But I carried with me this object you have on the table. I lost it in the forest that day, Haldir, before I returned to my own time. Once I was back, I researched our history, and concluded that I had indeed been in Lothlorien. I was so excited to have been there, that I studied everything I could about this time period - I even taught myself several languages, including Westron and Elvish."

"What _is_ this thing, Caladria?"

"Haldir, it is simply a child's plaything. You see, in my time, there was a movie...a play, if you will...about a creature called ET, who came to our world from another planet. In this play, the creature builds a machine to speak with the people on his home planet, and he used one of these toys in building it. I brought this one with me as a sentimental token, since I saw myself as a traveler, as he was."

"Why did you return?"

"Our time was not a peaceful one, Haldir. Men fought against men, with terrible, _horrible_ weapons. Our city was under attack, minutes from being destroyed completely. My fiancée pushed me into the machine and hit the button. He saved my life, I suppose...but I ended up here, just outside of Minas Tirith. Haldir, you are the only person I have ever told this to. Everyone else believes me to be from a small village in Rohan."

"I believe you. Eru knows _why_ I believe you, but I do," Haldir said, giving Caladria a small smile. "However, I must now leave here, although where I'll be going is anyone's guess. Perhaps Mordor..."

'Why are you leaving? Why in Arda would you want to go to Mordor, of all places? It's a wasteland since the War."

"Do you honestly think I can face anyone ever again, after finding out the true meaning of this piece of junk's message? Everyone is expecting some fabulous nugget of wisdom...but all I can tell them is "the cow says Moo."

"It's not your fault, Haldir...who sent you on this quest, anyway? I'm sure you didn't just up and leave on your own volition...you're one of the Guardians of the Golden Wood..."

"Galadrial sent me. I thought the Whatzit was just telling us what each animal said...hey! I was right!" He looked pleased with himself for a moment, then his face darkened. "But Galadrial said that this was the Great Ring! She said it bore a message for us in animal tongue! Why would she lie? She's the Lady of Light, for Eru's sake!"

"I don't know why she would lie, Haldir...people do odd things all the time," she said, smiling, "like doing the can-can on a tabletop in nothing but a smile."

"Did you HAVE to bring that up? I was hoping you would have forgotten about it."

""Oh, Haldir," she laughed, "I'll carry THAT image to my grave!"

Haldir narrowed his eyes at her, then sighed. "It doesn't matter, anyway. I can't go back with a message like 'the cow says 'Moo.' I also can't go back and tell Celeborn that Galadrial is a fake."

"You don't have to, Haldir...I have an idea..."

Since Haldir was completely out of ideas of his own, he leaned closer and listened to Caladria's, a slow smile edging its way across his face.


	13. When In Rome, er, Lorien

**Disclaimer:** She does _not_ own LOTR. She does _not_ own us. She does not _even_ own a clean pair of socks. She is evil and must be destroyed. She is holding us hostage in her den, chained to her computer - send help immediately! She snores. She has had Gimli's love child. She curses like a sailor. She has warts and bad breath. She likes playing with Teletubbies... **Me:** Just what the _hell_ do you two think you're _doing? _**Legolas: **Oh, crap! Didn't you lock the door? **Haldir:** I thought you locked it! **Legolas and Haldir**: ARGHHHHH!

Chapter 13 

**When in Rome, er...Lorien...**

"Listen, Haldir...we know that Galadrial sent you off on this quest under false pretenses, right? She blatantly lied to you...handed you a great, big, heaping helping of bullshit by telling you that this toy was some kind of Great Ring with a secret message. Sent you traipsing all over the countryside, dragging other people along with you, trying to find the translation of a nonexistent message, just because she didn't want anyone to know that _she_ didn't know what the thing was! I, for one, don't think you should let her get away with it."

"What can I do? She's the Lady of Light! Queen of Lothlorien...I can't very well go back and tell everyone that she's also Queen of the Big Fat Whoppers, now can I?"

"Here's my plan...she sent you looking for me, not even knowing that I actually existed...so you bring me _back_ to her, and we'll throw her a bullshit party that'll have her up to her hips in manure! She won't be able to deny anything we say, because that would be admitting that she lied in the first place! You and I are only ones who'll know the truth..."

"I don't know, Caladria...I don't like the thought of lying."

"We don't need to _lie_, Haldir. Whatever I tell her will be a true statement...for example, I can tell her that the Ceeunsae says that too much red meat is bad for your health. That's absolutely true...it'll clog your arteries." Seeing the confused look on Haldir's face, she explained, "It will damage your heart."

"It will?"

"Yes, but that's not the _point_. The _point_ is that anything I 'translate' will be completely true. I really _can_ translate what the Whatzit says...I'll just change the message a little. She should not be able to get away with telling people lies like that! Sending people out on dangerous journeys just to save face? She could get someone hurt or _worse_."

Haldir's face lit up as he realized that not only was Caladria right, but the plan would work...no one else, not even Gimli, Legolas, or Sam need know that Caladria was anything other than what she seemed...a native who happened to be able to speak the language of the animals.

He smiled broadly at Caladria. "It will work! We'll leave at first light. Tonight I have to have dinner with Aragorn and Arwen...will you allow me to escort you?"

"Dinner with the King and Queen of Gondor? I don't think so, Haldir, but thank you for asking."

"Why not? You have to eat, anyway."

"I'm a peasant, remember? Peasants do not have dinner with royalty."

"You are not a peasant! You are the One. The Veterain...vegeta...venera..."

"Veterinarian?"

"That's it - Vet-er-in-ar-i-an. Sounds very impressive, by the way. I will meet you at the King's House at dusk." Haldir stood and bowed, turning on his heel and walking out of the Feast Hall, leaving no room for argument.

"Well, what do you know? I guess I'm having dinner with the King and Queen tonight...and something tells me I'm going to have trouble with a certain stubborn Elf on this journey..." Caladria thought, watching Haldir's back as he left.

The sun had gone to bed behind the Misty Mountains as Caladria walked up to the huge double doors of the King's House. She had had to scramble to find something suitable to wear to dinner with the King and Queen of Gondor, finally settling for a simple, but elegant gown of deep forest green. In her own time she had been a completely self-assured individual, completely confident in her abilities as a vet, entirely at home whether she was with her patients or at a fundraiser for her fiancé's project. But here, in the wild country of Gondor, approaching the House of the King, her stomach was butterfly central.

A servant answered her hesitant knock...he must have been waiting just on the other side of the doors. Haldir was standing before the dining room door, waiting for her, as promised. He looked quite nice in his dark blue tunic and leggings, his hair freshly washed and braided.

'Caladria...you look lovely - for a human," Haldir said. A high complement, indeed, from the Elf.

"Thanks...I think," Caladria replied, "you also look very nice...for an Elf." Haldir cocked an eyebrow in reply.

Caladria took Haldir's proffered arm, and he led her into the dining room. They stopped and did the whole bow/curtsy thing before Aragorn and Arwen.

"Welcome to the King's House, Milady,' Aragorn said genteelly. "May I present my wife, Queen Arwen."

"Do I look fat in the dress? I look like an Oliphaunt! **sob **You look lovely, though. Is that the real color of your hair? **giggle** It looks quite bright! Goes well with your gown, though. **sob**." Arwen prattled, in between bites of pickled turnips.

"You'll have to excuse my wife," Aragorn said, patting the top of Arwen's head. "As this pregnancy progresses, she...um...loses hold of her tongue."

"It's quite understandable, Your Majesty...a woman's body goes through incredible changes during pregnancy," Caladria answered. Addressing Arwen, she said, "I think you look lovely, Arwen. You're positively glowing! How much longer do you have?"

"Another six weeks. **giggle**. I don't think I'm going to make it. **sob**. My feet are swollen, my back hurts, and I can't stop eating. **snort**."

"Elves do not die from pregnancy, dear. Come now, it's not _that_ bad!" Aragorn said, attempting to comfort his wife. "And you shouldn't worry about looking fat...you'll lose the weight soon enough."

Caladria cringed. The two things you NEVER tell a pregnant woman is that a.) pregnancy discomfort is not uncomfortable; and b.) that she's fat. Aragorn had managed to say both in one sentence. This was NOT going to be pretty.

"You DO think I'm fat! **SOB** You try going around carrying a _person_ inside your stomach for nine months whose doing his best to beat you up from the inside out, and _then_ we'll talk about whether or not 'it's not that bad!' **HOWL**" Arwen picked up the bowl of pickled turnips and neatly dumped it on Aragorn's head.

Aragorn just stood there looking with a look of disbelief at his wife as turnip juice dripped down into his beard. "What did I say?"

Haldir tugged on Caladria's arm, and led her to their table, where the other three Walkers were waiting. "Let's get out of the line of fire," he whispered. "I think Arwen may actually draw blood next time."

Legolas stood as Caladria was seated. Gimli and Sam were too busy devouring the appetizers to notice her.

"Legolas, Gimli, Sam, please meet Lady Caladria. Caladria, these are the other members of my Fellowship - Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood; Gimli - GIMLI!"

Gimli picked his head up from his plate, a questioning look on his face. He noticed Caladria, and elbowed Sam, who likewise looked up.

"Thank you," Haldir continued, "Gimli, son of Gloin; and Samwise Gamgee, of the Shire."

"I'm pleased to meet you all," Caladria said graciously, executing a small curtsy.

Legolas bowed deeply, smiling at Caladria. Gimli grunted a greeting and went back to eating. Sam stared openly, a look of wonderment on his face.

"Haldir...I never expected you to bring a date! You never struck me as a ladies' Elf," Sam said.

"She is _not_ a date," Haldir retorted, earning a raised eyebrow from Caladria. "She is _the One_!"

That remark even grabbed _Gimli's_ attention away from his food. Looking up, he grinned broadly, recognizing Caladria from the night before.

"Ho, ho! This Lassie is _the One_? Is she not also _the One_ ye were doing yer little dance for last night, Haldir?" Gimli slapped the table, shaking with laughter. "Of all the ladies in the Hall last night, ye pick _the One_ to shake yer dingle at!" Legolas and Sam were trying to hide the smirks on their faces from Haldir, but doing a poor job of it.

"DWARF! I will not allow such bawdy talk in front of the One! Keep a civil tongue in your head, or find yourself without one!" Haldir hissed.

Caladria covered her mouth, but her eyes were twinkling with swallowed laughter as she looked at Gimli. Gimli saw her laughing, and that she was not offended in the least. He decided on the spot that he liked her.

Haldir and Caladria sat, and soon enough dinner was served. Looking down at her plate of mutton, she quietly asked the server for a plate of vegetables instead.

"You don't like mutton?" Sam asked, his mouth full of sheep.

"I have a hard time eating anything that once had a face..." Caladria explained, shrugging her shoulders. "You never know if I may have had a conversation with it."

The four Walkers looked at each other, then forlornly at their plates, and slowly put down their forks.

"Caladria has agreed to accompany us back to Lothlorien to translate the words of the Great Ring Ceeunsae for Galadrial and Celeborn in person," Haldir announced to the group. "We will leave at first light...so, " he continued, looking at Gimli and Sam, "no drinking tonight!"

"Great. No mutton, and now no ale? Maybe Sauron will pop out of the centerpiece and _really_ make my day complete!" Sam muttered sadly, morosely chewing on a piece of turnip. He thought privately that the trip back would seem twice as long as the trip here.


	14. On the Road Again

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. ** Me: **Okay, all together now. **Legolas and Haldir:** We have been very, very naughty. We are very, very sorry. We will NEVER EVER write bad things about the author again. **Me**: Very good, boys. **Haldir:** May we have our pants back now? **Me:** Umno. **Legolas:** That's not fair! You told us if we apologized nicely, that you'd give us back our breeches. **Me:** What have I _EVER_ done that would make you believe me?

****

Chapter 14

On the Road Again

****

For the trip back to Lothlorien, Aragorn had gifted the Fellowship with transportation. Legolas, Haldir, and Caladria had been given fine steeds - the best in the city - to carry them the long miles. Sam, being too tiny for the long-legged horses, was given a small, gentle pony to ride. Sam immediately named his pony Bill the second, and loaded Bill down with all of his bundles and packages.

Aragorn didn't really like Gimli, however. He never really forgave him for usurping Aragorn's place as Legolas' best friend - Aragorn was kind of catty that way.

Gimli was given an ass.

The Fellowship Now Grown To Five set out at daybreak for the Great Western Road that would take them close to Lothlorien and the Golden Wood. The three on horses led the way, followed by the Hobbit on his pony. Gimli, still grunting, growling, and cursing up a storm about the indignity of it all, brought up the rear on his ass.

Haldir rode in silence for most of the morning, his mind troubled. He was having second thoughts about trying to deceive the Lady of the Wood. After all, she _was_ his Queen. Plus, he had always had a slight crush on herthough he would cut out his own tongue before admitting it to any one. Caladria was right on _so_ many points, though. He wondered how many other hapless Elves Galadrial had sent on fool's errands just to make herself look good. His inner argument raged on for hours.

Seeing Haldir deep in thought, with worry lines etched across his forehead, Caladria thought it best not to disturb him and sought conversation with Legolas instead.

"After our business is done in Lothlorien, you should consider coming to visit Mirkwood, Lady Caladria. I know my father would be most interested in the messages of the Great Ring," Legolas said cordially.

"Perhaps, I mayalthough I am not sure how long I may be needed in Lothlorien" Caladria answered. "I thank you for the invitation, though."

"Mirkwood is a pretty enough place, if you don't mind the spiders," chimed Sam, from just behind them. "But I must say that if you really want to visit somewhere beautiful, then The Shire is that which you seek."

"Aye, The Shire is pleasant, but Mirkwood offers much more than spiders, Samthe Summer Solstice and the Hunter's Moon Festivals are coming up," Legolas gently argued, with a slightly self-satisfied air.

"What be ye talking about up there? I can't hear a blessed thing above this damnable creature's braying!" Gimli shouted from the rear, trying to get his stubborn beast to move a little faster.

"Spiders," Sam, turning around in his seat, called back to Gimli.

"Ciders?" Gimli called back to Sam.

'SPIDERS!" Sam called back again,

"WHERE?" Gimli cried, grabbing his axe and looking around frantically. Gimli _hated_ spiders.

Sam rolled his eyes, and turned back around.

****

The Fellowship stopped for lunch just within the Rohan borders. Sam immediately built a small fire, and was soon roasting ears of corn, turnips, and mushrooms on sticks over the licking flames. He had nearly cried when he had emptied his bundles, before setting out, of anything that had once breathed. He had had a nightmare the night before about Bill the Pony telling him that the steak Sam was eating was indeed, Bill's left thigh.

Shortly after they had eaten, The Fellowship started out again, for Haldir was uneasy stopping that close to Mordor. It was not unheard of for stray Orcs to attack travelers, even now, after the War. He and Legolas had kept their bows and quivers close at hand all through lunch.

Gimli was kicking his mount's sides, trying to get the stubborn beast to move.

"Gimli! Come on! Move your ass!" Haldir shouted from the head of the party.

"Easy for him to say" Gimli muttered, trying to hurry the beastie along.

However, they passed deeper into Rohan without such incident, for which Caladria was imminently grateful. She had read of the horrors that had come from Mordor, and had no wish to see one face to face.

Traveling the open plains was easy enough, but as the sun began to set, The Fellowship found themselves riding through a thick stand of pine. Haldir called a halt for the night, before it became too dark. They made camp beneath a giant, old evergreen, its massive limbs providing an awning over their heads. Having eaten dinner, they had just begun preparing themselves for sleep, when a loud snuffling, growling sound came from the nearby brush.

A huge wild warg burst through the brush, heading straight for the travelers. Instantly, Haldir and Legolas whipped out their bows, and simultaneously shot arrows into the beast, felling it in its tracks.

Caladria approached the carcass, having read about, but never seen, a warg before. "It's seems to be a cross between a wolf and a boarhow interesting! I suppose this could be the ancestor to the wolves and swine of my own time," she said to Haldir. Haldir was more interested in making sure the beast was dead, than in its evolutionary history.

A small, whining sound reached their ears, coming from the same brush that the warg had burst through. Caladria turned and, slowly peeling back the branches of the nearest bush, peered into the darkness behind it. "Ohno wonder this warg attacked us!" she cried, reaching into the brush. She pulled out a small furry shape, which mewed piteously. "She was protecting her pup!"

"WHAT is THAT?" Haldir exclaimed, wrinkling his nose. "Put it down so I can kill it." He had an arrow ready in his bow.

"You'll do no such thing, March Warden! This is only a babyit still has its milk teeth! It cannot harm you or anyone else," Caladria said, cradling the baby warg to her chest, and turning slightly away, protecting it.

"It will only die without its mother," Legolas said softly, "better to put it down nowI will make it go painlessly." He, too, fit an arrow in his bow.

"It will NOT die, because I will care for it. Haldiryou know I can. I will not allow you to shoot this baby, and I will not leave it here to die." Caladria's features formed a stubborn mask. She would _not_ give in.

"You can't carry that thing into Lothlorien," Haldir argued.

"Then _I_ will not go into Lothlorien," she answered, adamantly.

"You've lost your mind, woman!" Haldir retorted, irritated at her tenacity. "No one keeps a pet warg!"

"Then this is a first, Haldir. If you want me to go with you to Lothlorien, then the warg comes with me."

"Fine! But when that thing bites your hand off, do not come to me for healing!" Haldir shouted.

"I wouldn't come to you for _anything_ if you were the last Elf in Arda!" Caladria shouted back, causing the little furry bundle to whimper. She immediately went about soothing the tiny creature. She used her cloak to fashion a carrier, and placed the baby in it. Making her way to the far side of the camp, she gave Haldir a fierce look on the way.

Haldir settled in on the opposite of the camp, still outraged at the woman's behavior. Again, he began to question the wisdom of bringing her to Lothlorienespecially now that she insisted on a warg for company.

Gimli sat on the ground near the fire, next to Legolas. He was chuckling softly under his breath.

"What do you find so funny, _mellon nin_?" Legolas asked him, cocking an eyebrow at the Dwarf.

"They like each other," Gimli replied, still smiling under his beard.

"It seems more like they like the idea of killing one another, to me," Legolas replied.

"Ye wait and see, Laddieye wait and see if I'm not right" Gimli yawned, at last stretching out alongside the fire to sleep.


	15. Stubbornness and Regrets

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** You know, I've been Guardian of the Golden Wood since before _your_ ancestors first trotted their hairy asses out of the cave they called home. You'd think you'd show just a _little_ respect for your elders. **Me:** Gee, you don't look a day over thirty. **Haldir:** Really? Well, I try to exercise, eat right_HEY! _Stop trying to stroke my ego. **Me:** But its such a _BIG_ ego

****

A/N: A quick thanks to the reviewers who I couldn't emailthank you! Also, I've been requested to add an element of romance to the storyso here goes!

****

Chapter 15

Stubbornness and Regrets

The Fellowship approached the borders of Lothlorien as the sun climbed high into the sky. Haldir signaled a halt, as his eyes scanned the trees looking for the border patrol that he knew would be there. Waiting for them to approach, his thoughts drifted back to the last couple of days of their journey.

Surprisingly, the addition of the warg to the party hadn't slowed their progressrather the thing had actually helped speed it. Gimli had been having ass problems. The stubborn beast had reached a point where it refused to move at all, and no amount of prodding would get its stubby legs moving again. Caladria had ridden back to where Gimli sat, swearing a blue streak at the bullheaded animal. She took the baby warg out of its makeshift carrier, and held the squirming bundle up to the ass's, errear. The overgrown donkey smelled the warg's scent, felt its tiny claws on its rump, and took off at a fast trot, soon overtaking the horses in the lead. After that, Gimli's problem had been getting the ass to _stop_.

During the day, Caladria had made sure to keep Legolas between herself and Haldir, often falling back further to ride beside Sam, and even Gimli. Watching Caladria from the corner of his eye as she rode, laughing easily with the others of the Fellowship, Haldir found himself in the unheard of position - for him, at least - of feeling sorry for his harsh words. However, if there was one thing Haldir was not short of, it was pride. He would _NOT_ admit that he might have overreacted to the presence of the baby warg. _NOT_ in _his_ lifetime, which was saying something, considering _his_ lifetime consisted of eternity.

Caladria, for her part, had tried to keep her attention focussed on caring for the baby warg. Its appetite was astounding, considering its small size. She fed it all manners of vegetables, and had asked Legolas to keep his eyes peeled for any fresh kills that may be lying around their pathshe refused to have him hunt for the warg, but wouldn't hesitate using meat that nature provided. The wolf/boar ate everything with equal pleasure - it was omnivorous.

However much of her time the warg commanded, Caladria couldn't help stealing glances at Haldir from time to time. She actually found herself missing the arrogant Elf's astute comments and witty sarcasm. She often watched him riding in front of the group, his long silver hair blowing in the breeze behind him, broad shoulders and back ramrod straight - he was an impressive sight. But, no matter that she realized she could have handled the warg situation with a little more finesse, she, too, had pride. She would NOT apologize, and she would certainly NOT leave the baby warg behind.

Watching Haldir and Caladria attempt to ignore each other while secretly watching each other amused the _hell_ out of Gimli and Legolas.

"Laddie, methinks that if they don't speak with each other soon, this Fellow_SHIP_ will soon be a Fellow_SUNK_. The tension is so thick around here, I could slice it with me axe," Gimli chuckled softly to Legolas one night at the campfire.

"Ai, Gimli - they're both more stubborn than that ass of yours."

"Argh. Don't mention that beastie to me, LaddieI've a good mind to send it back to Aragorn in small, manageable pieces."

Caladria approached them shortly afterward. "I'd like to take a bath in the river, while it's still not too dark. Would you two mind watching the pup for me? She's really not much trouble at allif she starts whimpering, just shove some food under her nose."

"Ye shouldn't go off by yerself, Lassiethere's more than one warg in these partsnot to mention other things more deadly than that!" Gimli said, looking worried.

"I'll be fineit's really just off a short way from campif we plan on arriving in the Golden Wood sometime tomorrow, I would really like to batheI don't mind playing mommy to the pup, but I'd rather not look and smell like a warg, as well." Caladria laughed, earning a smile from the Dwarf.

Legolas reached for his pack and drew out one of his white short knives. He handed the Elven knife with the beautifully carved and engraved handle to Caladria. "Take this, and keep it with you, if you insist on goingI'll keep my ears open. If you need us, just call."

"Thank you, Legolas. I'll not need to use it, I'm sure." Caladria grabbed her pack and headed for the river.

Legolas, Gimli, and Sam, who had joined them at the fire, looked down at the small creature sleeping peacefully in its carrier.

"Ye wouldn't think such a tiny thing would grow up to be one of those ferocious nasties, now would ye?" Gimli commented.

Sam reached out with one finger, and stroked the baby warg's soft coat. "It's really quite endearing, isn't it? I can see why Lady Caladria would want to save it."

"Laddie, that 'endearing' little creature will soon grow big enough to rideand to bite yer head off with a single snap!" Gimli said, shaking his head. "Stillit is a cute little beastie fer now."

****

Caladria set her pack on the riverbank, and took out the necessary supplies for her bath. Looking around, certain she was alone, she quickly stripped out of her traveling clothes and stepped into the cold waters of the river. She gave herself some time to adjust to the temperature of the waters, wading out slowly until she was hip deep. She washed herself, then dunked under to wet her hair. She came up, flinging her hair up and behind her, and began to shampoo it, completely unaware that a pair of eyes watched from the forest.

Haldir was always aware of her at some level, even though his outward appearance was of complete indifference. He had not missed Legolas handing her his knife, or her grabbing her pack and heading for the river. He guessed her intent, and had quietly slipped away into the brush to follow her, ostensibly to protect her from her own folly. He left unnoticed, while the others were focussed on the infant warg.

"Obstinate female," he thought to himself as he silently followed her. "Running off in the near dark through the wild, imposing on everyone to watch that damn pet of hers" Haldir's brows knitted in consternation. He crouched in the deep of the brush, knowing he was invisible to her, telling himself that he was doing this for her safety. He soon forgot all about the reasons he gave himself, indeed, he forgot all about _everything_, as he watched her enter the water.

Not in his wildest imagination, had Haldir _ever_ thought that any creature could be so lovely as Caladria appeared to him, at that moment. The setting sun cast golden highlights on her skin and in bright red hair, the river waters adding diamond-like sparkles to her flawless complexion. He wondered briefly if her skin would feel as soft as it looked. She seemed almost ethereal in the dimming light - almost Elf-like in her beauty. He was captivated, and could no more have averted his eyes than stop his own heart from beating.

It seemed mere moments before she stepped back on the bank of the river, wrapped herself in a blanket, and sat down on a large, flat rock near the riverbed. Using an ivory comb, she pulled the tangles from her hair, then neatly bound it in a single braid. Packing up her belongings, she made her way back to the forest, holding Legolas' knife out in front of her. Haldir once again silently followed her, making sure she got back to the camp without incident. He waited back in the brush a long while, his mind replaying her bath over and over again, before he slipped back to his sleeping place.

Now, as he watched the border patrol approach his party, Haldir pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, trying to focus on meeting his kin, and coming up with a rational explanation for the addition of the warg to their Fellowship. However, as hard as he tried not to, an image of Caladria lit by the setting sun, kept creeping back into his mind, unbidden, and he felt, for the first time in his long life, regret.


	16. Queen Gets Rooked

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Hey! I heard that you've been stroking Haldir's ego. You NEVER stroke _my_ ego **Me:** You have enough fangirls to do that. **Legolas**: It's not my _ego_ that they're looking to stroke. **Me:** That's just nasty, Lego, nasty. **Haldir:** I have fangirls, too, you know. **Legolas:** I have more. **Haldir:** Says who? **Legolas:** Says everybody. **Me:** There is not enough room in here for the three of us _and_ your swelled heads.

****

Chapter 16

Queen Gets Rooked

Rumil and Orophin provided an honor guard of sorts, escorting the Fellowship into the Golden Wood. Caladria was astounded at how much the two Elves resembled their older brother in everything but the attitude.

Both brothers were of light spirit, smiling broadly as they welcomed back Gimli, Sam, and Legolas to Lothlorien, and gracious in their greeting to her. They even smiled at the warg pup, though they had raised an eyebrow when they were first told of its existence.

Haldir had blindsided her by telling Rumil and Orophin that Caladria would explain the necessity of the warg being with the party. She really wanted to slap the smirk right off his face as his brothers turned to her, waiting. "I told Haldir that I wouldn't lieso the truth is what they get," she thought to herself, smiling at the brothers.

"The mother warg attacked us at our camp, and was killed by Legolas and your brother. The pup was nearby, and completely defenseless. It would not have survived without its mother. The pup would not have been orphaned if Haldir had not chosen that very spot for us to camp. She attacked only to protect her pup. Nature intends for every mother to have the right to raise her offspring. We interfered by being in a place we would not, under any other circumstances, have been. So, I took pity on the pup, and brought it with us. I will raise it until it is old enough to survive on its own, then release it back into the wild."

"Perfectly reasonable," Rumil said, giving the warg pup a scratch.

"What else _could_ you do?" Orophin added, shrugging his shoulders.

Caladria decided that Haldir _must_ have been adopted.

Entering the Golden Wood, Haldir noticed a bittersweet look on Caladria's face as they passed through the mallorn trees, and realized that she must have been thinking of the first time she was there, and the desperate act of her fiancée to save her. He looked down at the Whatzit that still hung from his belt, marveling at how her life had come full circle.

"Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadrial await you, Haldir. The Lady is most anxious to meet the One and hear the translation of the Great Ring Ceeunsae," Rumil said as they approached the settled area of the Golden Wood. It was late afternoon, and the sun had begun its decent, casting garnet shadows on the silver leaves of the mallorns.

"I'll just _bet_ she is," Haldir thought to himself. Aloud, he said, "Perhaps the Lord and Lady would not mind if the Fellowship freshens up before appearing before them. It has been a long journey."

"Of course, that was expected. Talans have been provided for you, but do not tarrythe Lord and Lady await you."

"Great," Sam said under his breath. "First we miss elevenses and afternoon tea, and now we miss supper! I swear these Elves are all in some plot together to starve me to death!"

They were led up one of the winding staircases that encircled the giant mallorn trees to the high platforms above. Caladria started to follow Legolas, Gimli and Sam into one of the talans, but Haldir stayed her by grabbing her arm.

"Oh, no_you_ follow me," he said tersely, turning and walking into the next talan. Her face burned with indignation, but she followed Haldir, not wanting to show her temper so soon after arriving.

Alone in the talan, she turned immediately on Haldir.

"Exactly _why_ did you insist I come in here with _you_?" she asked, glaring at the big Elf.

"I need to know what you are going to say to GaladrialI want to be prepared. Why else would I have you follow me in here?" he replied snidely, glaring down at her.

Caladria turned from him and pretended to be absorbed in the baby warg so that Haldir wouldn't see the blush creeping into her cheeks. She wasn't sure herself what she thoughtand wasn't ready to admit that his words had hurt.

"When Galadrial asks for an interpretation, I will pull the string and tell her that the Great Ring Ceeunsae wishes to educate Elves about various species of wildlife in otherworlds. Depending on what animal the arrow points to, I will give a brief explanation of the animal's habitat, diet, and reproductive cycles."

"Why would Elves care about animals in another world? You've had a week, and this is the best you can come up with?"

"Do you have any better ideas? I know how little you care for nature, Haldir, but from what I understand, the vast majority of Elves have it in them to bond closely with it. I think everyone - but you - would be interested in this information."

"I care about nature!"

"You didn't care about the warg pup, and she's a part of nature!"

"I _care_ about naturejust _not_ about smelly, ugly, wrinkled bushrats like that thing!"

"All creatures, great and small, Haldir, even smelly, ugly wrinkled bushrats have their place in nature. Look at _you_ for example!"

Haldir face twisted at the insult, and he spun on his heel, stomping away from her. He looked out the doorway, surveying his home, trying to get a hold of his temper. "Great Eru, but this woman is infuriating!" he thought. An image of her in the river rose in his mind, but he forced it away.

"I suggest you clean upwe leave in a very few minutes to meet with the King and Queen of Lothlorien," he spat. Without turning around, he left the talan, leaving her alone.

"My," Caladria said to the pup in her arms, "that went well." Sighing, she put the pup down, and set about changing into the green gown she had worn in Gondor.

A short while later, Legolas poked his head in the talan, and signaled to Caladria that it was time to go. She picked up the pup, which had been eagerly exploring the talan, poking its nose into all the corners, and snuffling excitedly. Following Legolas, she looked but did not see Haldir.

She spotted him at last, near a brightly-lit pavilion in a tree not too far from the one she was standing on. The pavilion sparkled with thousands of tiny lights, the source of which she couldn't fathom. He was speaking with his brothers, Rumil and Orophin, and obviously waiting for the rest of the Fellowship to arrive. She noticed that he had changed into a more formal tunic of silver, and she thought for a moment of how stunning he looked.

Legolas led them across several wooden walkways and up a ramp to the pavilion where Haldir waited. Haldir nodded at the group, then motioned for them to follow him into the pavilion, where the Lord and Lady waited.

The pavilion twinkled with tiny lights that reminded Caladria of the fireflies back home. She looked up to see a beautiful pair of Elves descending a staircase from an upper level of the pavilion. She assumed that these were Lord Celeborn and his wife, Lady Galadrial. Caladria could only stare at the pair as they glided to a rest at the foot of the staircase. She was certain she had never seen two more beautiful creatures in her life. It was a shame that the Lady was such a jackass.

"Haldir, you have brought the One _back_ with you? I thought you were going to bring only the translation," Galadrial said, eyeing Caladria and the warg pup.

"My Lady, I thought it best that you hear the Great Ring's message directly from the OneI did not want to risk misinforming you," Haldir replied.

"Very wise, Haldir. You have shown good judgement in bringing the One back with you to the Golden Wood," Celeborn commented, not seeing Galadrial cut her eyes to him in annoyance.

"Wellwhat does the Ring say?" Galadrial asked impatiently, her lovely blue eyes narrowing at Caladria. "And what exactly is that thing you are carrying?"

"A warg pup, Lady. I rescued her on our journey here."

"Put it down so that Haldir may kill it."

"I will not allow this pup to be harmed!" Caladria said forcefully. She turned to Haldir and said, "Is she _related_ to you?"

"Who is this mortal who dares speak to me in this fashion?" Galadrial screeched, pointing a long elegant finger at Caladria.

"Dear, pleasenever mind the pup! Ask for the translation!" Celeborn sternly advised, putting a hand on Galadrial's arm.

"Mind your own business! This mortal insulted me! Will you stand by and let her get away with it?"

"She didn't insult you. Honestly, if I had any idea how self-centered you were I _never_ would have married you. My mother tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen! 'Celeborn,' she told me, 'that Elleth spends entirely too much time looking at her reflection in the scrying mirror!'" Celeborn shouted, glaring his wife into silence. Turning to Caladria, he asked, "Lady, will you please translate for us?"

Galadrial sputtered, but remained silent.

Handing the pup to Legolas, and taking the Whatzit from Haldir, Caladria pulled the ring. The Whatzit said, "_The bird says, TWEET_."

Looking directly at Galadrial, Caladria said, "The Great Ring Ceeunsae has a warning for you, My Lady."

Galadrial paled, her skin becoming nearly translucent. "I don't believe I need to hear a warning from an animal Ring, or from a mortal who insists on cuddling a beast!"

"Of _course_ we need to hear itwhat's _wrong_ with you?" Celeborn admonished. "This is _exactly_ why the scrying mirror told you to send Haldir on the quest in the _first_ place!" He nodded for Caladria to continue. "Please excuse The Lady's outburstshe seems not to be herself today," Celeborn shot his wife a warning look.

"The Great Ring Ceeunsae has said that the scrying mirror has become infected with an insidious evilyou must no longer rely on the images you see."

"That's ridiculous! She's lying!" Galadrial hissed, trying to grab the Whatzit from Caladria.

"MY LADY!" Celeborn shouted, pinning Galadrial's arms to her sides. "The One would _not_ lie! We will heed the warningand destroy the mirror!" He nodded his thanks at the Fellowship, and walked his obviously distraught wife back up the stairs. Her wailing and cursing eventually fading in the distance. The Fellowship remained, staring after Galadrial with open mouths, except for Haldir, who stared at Caladria.

"Wow,' Sam said, "Amazing turn of events. Can we eat now?"


	17. Walking the Warg

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** I don't have a very big part in this fic, do I? **Me:** Huh? You whined about me bringing you into this at all! Now you're whining that your part is too small? **Legolas:** I am a star, you knowif you insist on putting me in your fic, then you should give me more lines. **Me:** There are no small parts, only small actors, Lego. **Legolas:** There's nothing _small_ about _me_! **Haldir: ** Yeah, right_sure_ there isn't. ** Legolas: **What's that supposed to mean? **Haldir:** I've seen you in the locker room, buddy. **Me:** That's itthis conversation is over.

****

Chapter 17

Walking the Warg

"**Where** did _that_ come from?" Haldir asked Caladria as they stood at the pavilion after Celeborn and Galadrial's exit. He was still in shock; his eyebrows seemed permanently attached to his hairline.

"You said you didn't like the other idea I had about giving information on animal's habitats and allso I winged it."

"You _winged_ it? _WINGED_ it? That scrying mirror has been a part of Lothlorien dogma since the Elves first came West! That scrying mirror and Galadrial are the only reasons anyone ever _comes_ to Lothlorien! You've just completely destroyed our tourist trade!"

"Haldirwhat are you talking about? You agreed that you that she should not be able to send anyone else out on false errands! Remember?"

"Yesbut I didn't mean for you to destroy our entire lifestyle!"

"Haldir," Legolas interjected, "What are you two talking about?"

Haldir sighed, and gave the other members of the Fellowship a brief rundown on what had happened.

"So, that's it in a nutshell. Galadrial is a fake, Caladria is from the future, and Lothlorien's goose is cooked," Haldir said, shaking his head sadly.

"Please tell me you're kidding. Please tell me that we didn't traipse all over Arda with you for absolutely no real reason! Why didn't you tell us the truth? I thought we were supposed to trust each other, Mister Haldir!" Sam yelled, more upset about having had to miss meals, than all the time he had spent in the company of the Fellowship.

"Laddie! Ye should have told usI cannot believe The Lady lied! What else has she lied about?" Gimli hollered, anger coloring his face the same hue as his beard.

"Remember those three hairs she gave you?" Haldir said, wanting to get everything off of his chest. "They weren't hers."

"NO! Oh, my heart!" Gimli cried, clutching his chest. "Who's were they?"

"Mine."

"ARGHHH!"

"Sorry, GimliI was sworn to secrecy. I couldn't tell you" Haldir apologized.

"Haldir, it isn't the end of the worldNo one knows that Galadrial is a fake, except for uswe will take a solemn vow never to divulge the truth!" Legolas stated, holding his fist to his heart and bowing.

"What's the point? Without the scrying mirror, she won't be able to make prophecies, anyway," Haldir said sadly.

"Haldir" Caladria said softly, moved by Haldir's obvious distress over the future of his people, "Do you really think the only reason anyone comes to Lothlorien is because of some stupid prophecies? In my time, people would travel to places where EVERYTHING was fakethey knew it was fake, and they didn't care! They still experienced everything - even though they knew it wasn't real, because it was fun. They were called theme parksand they made tons of money! Close your eyes a moment."

"What?" Haldir asked, giving Caladria a cockeyed look.

"Just do itplease, Haldir?"

Sighing, he did as she asked.

Taking him by the shoulders, Caladria walked him back out to the walkway, turning him so that he faced out toward the mallorn trees.

"Now pretend you are a tourist, and have never been here before. Open your eyes."

Haldir opened his eyes and saw the millions of twinkling firefly lights, the golden leaves and silver trunks of the mallorn trees gleaming in the moonlight; the beautiful Elves gliding about here and there. He heard the Elves singing, their voices melodic and in perfect harmony.

"They'll come to see _this_, Haldir. They'll come to see the mallorn trees. They'll come to listen to Galadrial's prophecies, even if they _know_ that they aren't real. They'll come to hear the voices of the Elves. They _will_ come, Haldir," Caladria said, her hands still on Haldir's shoulders.

Haldir looked out over the city of his people, felt Caladria's hands on his shoulders, and smiled. He turned and started walking back to the pavilion.

"Where are you going?" asked Legolas, concerned for his friend.

"To have a talk with Celeborn," Haldir answered. He walked up the stairway without another word, but his step was light.

****

No one saw Haldir until the following morning. Caladria, Gimli, and Sam were sitting in one of the talans, having breakfast, when Haldir poked his head in.

"Morning!" he smiled, joining them at the table. He grabbed a piece of lembas and poured himself a glass of juice.

"Laddieare ye feeling alright? Ye don't seem yerselfyer smiling!" Gimli asked, smiling himself.

"Very funny, Dwarf. As a matter of fact, I feel fine. I had a nice, _long_ talk with Celeborn last night. Told him _everything_for a minute I thought he was going to _strangle_ Galadrial! I also told him what you told me, Caladriaabout people coming anyway, even if they knew her prophecies were false. Lord Celeborn decided to let it be known that Galadrial can no longer make true prophecies, but would be happy to make something up for anyone who was interested - for entertainment purposes only." He looked into Caladria's eyes, smiling. "I want to thank you for that, and for everything else. You were right about me, too. I _was_ being insufferable, and for that I am truly sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Well, Haldir, there _is_ one thing you can do" Caladria said, greatly relieved that the tension between them had dissipated. "You can walk the warg this morning!" Caladria laughed, holding out the impromptu leash Legolas had fashioned for her the night before.

Haldir looked at the furry little creature attached to the leash, and sighed resignedly. "I suppose I deserve thisalright, you smelly, ugly, wrinkled bushratlet's go," he said, standing and taking the leash. Caladria, Gimli, and Sam's laughter followed him out of the talan.

Haldir walked the warg all the way down to the forest floor. Walking in between the massive mallorn trees, the warg snuffled under bushes, nosed around rocks, and squatted once or twice to do her business, all the while happily wagging her little warg tail. Haldir found himself smiling at the little fluffball, in spite of himself.

Hearing the sound of someone approaching, Haldir turned to greet them. He felt laughter bubble up when he saw Legolas walking toward him through the mallorn trees.

Walking was perhaps the wrong word_schlepping_ might have been closer to reality. Legolas was completely covered from the waist down by clinging little Elleths in Elf Scout uniforms. There were at least a half a dozen of them cleaving to his waist, as he dragged himself forward. His arms were outstretched and another elleth hung from each. The look on his face was priceless.

"Having a good morning, Legolas?" Haldir snorted.

"Help me, Haldirthey won't let go!" Legolas cried, his eyes wild. He shook his arms to try to dislodge the elleths.

The Elf Scout elleths giggled and tightened their grip. "Tell us about the time you brought down the Oliphaunt, Legolas!" they screamed. "Tell us about the time you killed the Cave Troll, Legolas!" they squealed. 'What's your favorite color, Legolas?" they cried.

"ARGHHH!" Legolas yelled, once again starting to drag himself forward, elleths and all, disappearing into the forest.

Haldir dissolved into laughter again. The little warg sat at his feet cocking its head and looking curiously up at Haldir, it's little pink tongue hanging out, panting. Haldir looked down at the pup, a grin still on his face. "I guess we're going to have to find you a name, huh? Looks like you're going to be around for a while," he said, leading the pup back toward the mallorn tree that housed the talans of the Fellowship.

Arriving back in the talan, Haldir handed the leash back to Caladria.

"Did she behave herself, Haldir," Caladria asked, bracing herself for what she was sure would be a torrent of complaints.

"Who? Little Pugugly? She wasn't any trouble at all, were you girl? Saw Legolasbut he seemed, umpreoccupied - I don't think we'll see much of him this morning," Haldir said with a smirk.

"Little Pugugly?" Caladria asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Well, she needed a namewe couldn't very well go on calling her 'warg' or 'pup,' now could we? Pugugly seems to suit her," Haldir said, giving the pup a scratch. The warg had curled up at Haldir's feet and was fast asleep.

"Ye were ready to serve _warg_ _stew_ last night, Haldirwhat happened to change yer mind?" Gimli asked, narrowing his eyes at the big Elf.

"Why, Gimli! I would _never_!" Haldir exclaimed, the picture of innocence. "By the way, Gimliwould you mind keeping an eye on the pup for awhile? I need to talk to Caladria privately," his voice took a stern note, and his face slipped into the old, familiar haughty expression they knew so well.

Caladria's eyes opened wide, but she didn't say anything as she followed Haldir out of the talan.


	18. An Elf's Gotta Do What An Elf's Gotta Do

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Little girls? Why did you surround me with little girls? Shouldn't I be surrounded by beautiful women?" **Me:** Have you looked at your fan base, lately, Lego? Half of your fans still have their baby teeth. **Legolas:** What about the other half? **Haldir:** They've got dentures.**Me:** Watch it, Haldiryou're going to piss off an entire demographic. **Haldir:** Why are you spending so much time talking to Legolas, anyway? The name of this story is "_HALDIR_ and the Fantabulous Whatzit." Do you see "Legolas" _anywhere_ in that title?" **Legolas:** So, that's why you're being nasty to my fansyou're jealous! **Haldir:** Of what? **Legolas:** Of me! **Haldir:** I _doubt_ it. I told you before, I've seen you in the locker room buddy.

****

Chapter 18

****

An Elf's Gotta Do What An Elf's Gotta Do

Caladria reluctantly followed Haldir outside. "This is it," she thought nervously, her hands clenched in front of her. "This is when he tells me to get out of Dodge. This is when he tells me that none of this would have happened if I had blown up with the rest of my city. Celeborn probably told him to give me my marching orders last night."

Never turning around to look at her, Haldir led Caladria silently down the spiraling staircase to the forest floor. He led her deep into the mallorns, until they were sufficiently secluded that he need not fear being overhead by any of the other Elves. Stopping, he sighed, and took a couple of deep breaths before turning to face Caladria.

Seeing her pale face and slumped shoulders, as she stared at the ground, biting her lower lip, he wondered if maybe he had laid it on a bit too thick. He was worried that she might still be angry with him after last night, even though he had apologized that morning. With what he needed to tell her now, he had wanted to make her a little nervous to put her off guard, but he hadn't wanted to scare the daylights out of her, or upset her this much.

"Caladria," he said softly. When she turned her head away, and didn't look up, he gently lifted her chin with his finger to face him. "Caladria"

There were tears in her eyes. Haldir felt something in his chest crack, and, rather than say another word and risk breaking down himself, he simply gathered her in his arms, holding her close.

She stiffened a moment, then clung to him, unable to stop the tears from flowing.

:"Why are you crying? There's nothing to cry about, Little Oneall is well, now," Haldir whispered, stroking her hair, trying to calm her.

"Aren't you going to send me away?" Caladria asked in a small voice. "Send me back to Minas Tirith? Or did Celeborn tell you something worse? What punishment did he decree?"

"What are you talking about? Celeborn is _beholden_ to youhe told me so himself! He asked me to convey his thanks to you for being brave enough to face Galadrial!

"But this is all my fault! All of it! I left the whatzit here for you to findI convinced you to bring me back with you - to deceive everyone! I'm the one who said the scrying mirror was evil! If my fiancée hadn't sent me the first time, never mind _twice_, none of this would have happened! "

"I am _indebted_ to him. If he had not been so selfless as to send you here again, I would never have met you."

"I don't understand, HaldirI've caused nothing but trouble for _everyone_for _you_."

"Do you know what my life was like before I found the Ring, Caladria? Centuries of isolation. Centuries of patrol. Centuries of maneuvers. Centuries of war. There was no joy in my life, Caladria. Unlike others of my kind, I rarely smiled. I never sang, I never laughed, and I never danced - well, not unless I was drunk, that is." They both chuckled a little at the reference to his bump and grind dance the night they met.

"Until I found that Whatzit, my life was nothing but being March Warden of Lothlorien. Since thenwell, granted there were someshall we say, _bumps_ along the waybut they were well worth it. I would gladly suffer through many times that for what I have gained."

"What did you gain, Haldir?" Caladria asked, her voice muffled against his chest.

"You. I gained _you_, Caladria."

She gasped, looking up at him with disbelief. He placed his hand at the nape of her neck, and bent forward, gently pressing his lips to hers.

Pulling back, he looked into her eyes, and smiled. He held her close again, not sure that he would ever be able to let her go. Caladria wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulders, her tears, now of relief and joy, wetting the front of his tunic. Finally, without another word being said, letting go only with a supreme effort, he took hold of her hand and led her back to the talans.

****

Gimli spotted them as they walked up the stairway that led to the talans. He noticed Haldir holding Caladria's hand and smiled to himself. "It's about bloody time," he thought, walking up to meet them. He made no mention of his observation, not wanting to embarrass either of them. "Haldir, Laddie, have ye seen Legolas lately? I've been looking for the boy all morning!"

"I saw him earlier, Gimli. He waser, entertaining some of the young ones."

Gimli lifted an eyebrow at that, but then shrugged his shoulders. "I'll catch up with him sooner or later." He smiled a farewell at the two of them, continuing on his way.

They found Sam in the talan, mounds of supplies, bags, bundles, and boxes piled on his bed. "Sam, what are you doing?" Caladria asked, motioning to the mess on the bed.

"Packing," he said, giving her a smile. "I must return to The Shire, Miss Caladriamy family is there, and wellI miss them! It's time to go back."

"You cannot journey to the Shire alone, Sam. You know how dangerous the road can be," Haldir said, frowning. "Who journeys with you?"

"We do," came a pair of voices from the doorway. Haldir turned to see Rumil and Orophin entering the talan. Seeing their brother's astonished face, the two started laughing.

"Are you the only brother allowed to make journeys? Lord Celeborn has bid us to go to the Grey Havens to check the conditions of the docks. We will escort Mr. Gamgee back to the Shire on the way."

"Good journey to you all, then. Sam, I thank you for joining me, and staying with me until the quest was done," Haldir said, grasping Sam's forearm in farewell. Turning to his brothers he said, "Do you need me to go with you?"

"Nay, brotheryou have reason enough to stay here," Rumil smiled, his eyes darting to Caladria. "I'm sure we can muddle through without the March Warden, somehow," he continued, earning a smirk from Haldir.

"Yes, and don't forget about Elf Scout Daysit's _your_ turn to be tortured by the little ones!" Orophin laughed, slapping Haldir on the back. "Not to mention the other duties of March Warden that you have sadly neglected while gallivanting about Arda!"

Haldir smiled at both his brothers. He agreed, he did have reason to stay. As a matter of fact, he had more reason to stay now, than he did before he left. He smiled at Caladria, reaching for her hand again.


	19. A Boy, A Girl, and a Warg

****

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Haldir:** Great Eru! I am _such_ a good kisser - not to mention incredibly handsome and romantic. **Me:** Every time I think I have seen the limit of your arrogance, you manage to outdo yourself. **Haldir:** Hey - I calls 'em as I sees 'em. **Me:** Next fic I write, I _swear_ I am having you fall in love with Gimli. **Haldir:** Wouldn't work. Everybody knows that Legolas loves Gimli. **Legolas:** That's _it_ palthe gloves are _off_! I am going to shove my bow up your butt sideways! **Me:** WAIT! STOP! I have to make popcorn, and get my camcorder

****

Chapter 19

A Boy, A Girl, and a Warg

__

One year later

Haldir poked his head in the talan doorway, looking for Caladria. The horses were loaded, ready to go, but his wife was nowhere to be found.

Sighing, he closed the door and retraced his steps down to the forest floor. Movement caught the corner of his eye, and he turned to see Caladria coming toward him, carrying two bundles in her arms. Smiling, he walked to meet her halfway.

"Are you ready to go? The sun is already half way upI had hoped to make it halfway to Mirkwood before nightfall," he asked, taking one of the bundles out of her arms. He looked down at the bundle, and his smile returned as he gazed at the tiny face of his infant daughter. Her twin brother lay nestled in their mother's arms sound asleep.

"HALDIR!"

Spinning around at the sound of someone shouting his name, Haldir saw Orophin stalking toward him. The look on Orophin's face was not promising.

"Look at this! Will you just _look_ at this!" Orophin stormed, as he approached Haldir and Caladria. He lifted his right leg, pointing to his boot, which was covered in some nasty smelling, thick brown goo.

"Something has to be done about that warg of yours! Can you not control that animal? She has left piles all over the Scouts' training area again!"

Haldir bit back a laugh, though his eyes twinkled with humor. "Orophin, I am sorryshe got off her leash yesterday, and, well, you know how much she likes the little onesevery time she gets loose she makes a beeline for the Scouts' training area, knowing she will find them there. I will clean it before we leave."

"No, noI've already set a couple of Scouts to that task," Orophin replied, his eyes taking on a mischievous light. "This should teach them to stop asking me about Legolas!"

Peeking at the bundles in Haldir and Caladria's arms, Orophin asked, "How are my favorite niece and nephew today? Ready for their first big trip into Arda?"

"They are your _only_ niece and nephew, Orophin, and yes, they are ready. I am so looking forward to seeing Legolas and Gimli again! Haldir says we should be arriving just in time for the Hunter's Moon Festival," Caladria replied, smiling at her brother-by-marriage.

"Which reminds me - your escort is waiting at the forest edge. You should hurry. They're probably goofing off, just waiting around. Make sure you put on your "March Warden" face when you get to them. Keep them on their toes!" Orophin laughed, putting his hand on his brother's shoulder.

Haldir put two fingers to his mouth and whistled loudly. A few moments later, a gigantic creature burst out of the brush running full tilt towards them. Orophin's eyes widened with fear as the creature rushed straight for them.

The next thing he knew, he was flat on his back, having his face licked off by the Warg's huge pink tongue.

"Down, PugUgly! Down, girl!" Haldir ordered, pulling at the warg's collar. The warg backed off of Orophin, and sat at Haldir's feet, a rather stupid, happy wolf/boar grin on its tusked face, her long pink tongue hanging out of the side, panting.

"Argh! That beast ALWAYS knocks me down! Why doesn't she ever attack Rumil like that?" Orophin asked, wiping his wet face with his sleeve, and standing up.

"She likes you, Orophin," Caladria said, taking a handkerchief and helping him wipe the warg drool from his face.

"With friends like that, I hardly need enemies" Orophin growled. Caladria and Haldir both knew that secretly Orophin was very fond of the warg - though he would never admit it.

Haldir handed his daughter to her uncle to hold for a while, while he re-attached PugUgly's collar. Turning to Orophin, he took back the bundle of joy and said, "We will be back before the first snows, Orophin. Remember, the patrols will need to be rotated every seventh day, and the Elf Scouts need work on sparring, and "

"March Warden! We have been over this a hundred times! Go on your vacation with your family and STOP WORRYING!" Orophin laughed, slapping Haldir on the back. "I'm sure that between Rumil and myself we can fill those gigantic, oversized, arrogant boots of yours!"

"We just need to bid farewell to the Lord and Lady, then we'll be on our way," Haldir said. He handed Orophin PugUgly's leash, much to his brother's dismay. "Walk her around the mallorns for a while, will you? Just watch where you step!" Haldir chuckled, looking down at Orophin's boot.

****

Haldir and Caladria climbed the steps of the mallorn that housed the pavilion. Celeborn was waiting at the top of the stairs, and he smiled as they approached.

"How are the little ones? They look so peaceful, sleeping," Celeborn asked, touching a finger to the babies' cheeks. "Then again, I'm sure Elrond thought the same of _his_ twins when they were infantsnow look at them!" he chuckled. "Enjoy them before they learn to speak."

"Where is the Lady?" Haldir asked, looking around for Galadrial.

"Oh, it's showtimeshe has a line five deep this morning!" Celeborn pointed to a white tent set up in the pavilion. The tent was painted with gaudy silver stars and moons, and strewn with brightly colored scarves and beads. Sure enough, five Elves were waiting patiently in line in front of the tent. "Let me see if I can disturb the 'Galadrial the Great.'"

Celeborn poked his head in the tent. A moment later, Galadrial stepped out, though if Haldir hadn't known it was she, he never would have recognized her. Her long blond hair was held back by a brilliantly colored fringed silk scarf, and her eyes were made up heavily with eye shadow and liner. Her lips were painted a dark red, and she wore huge gold hoops in her ears. Her dress, fashioned after the peasant's dresses, had a full skirt that seemed to be made of many scarves similar to the silk scarf on her head. She wore many bangle bracelets on her arms, and strings of tiny bells on her ankles.

Walking up to them barefoot, she smiled at the family. "Leaving already? I wish you a safe journey there, and an equally safe journey back."

"Thank you my Lady," Haldir said, bowing - as well as he could while holding the baby - to the King and Queen of Lothlorien. Caladria curtsied, and asked "How's business today, Galadrial?"

"Booming! Elves are coming from all over to hear my phony readings! I never knew prophesizing could be so much fun! You should hear the crap I come up with. I crack myself up sometimes!"

Haldir and Caladria looked at each other, little half smiles on their faces. Since Celeborn had put the word out about Galadrial, they had seen more Elf visitors to the Golden Wood than ever before. Galadrial had never before been so in her element, with all of the attention. She was a completely different personfor the first time in a long time, Haldir suspected, she was happy. He knew just how she felt.

After Celeborn wished them a good journey, the family went back down to where they had left Orophin and PugUgly. Taking the warg's leash, each hugged Orophin in farewell. Haldir turned and led the way to the stables, where horses had been saddled for them.

Haldir and Caladria put on baby carriers that Caladria had had made by the Elves, according to her designs, which would hold the babies close and secure during the journey. Tying the warg's leash to his horse's saddle horn, Haldir set off, Caladria following, to the edge of the Golden Wood where their escorts were waiting.

"You know, the last time I left the Golden Wood was on my quest. I never imagined that just a year later I would be leaving it again with my wife and children!" Haldir said to Caladria, his face showing his happiness.

"Haldir, whatever happened to the Whatzit? I never saw it again after the night you talked to Celeborn and told him the truth."

"Oh, I suspect it's still around" He replied, not meeting her eyes.

"Haldirwhat did you do with it?"

Haldir remained silent, and just smiled.

****

The Elven White Ship reached the shore of the Blessed Realm, just as the sun began to set behind the tower Ilmarin. Elves clad in glowing white robes disembarked, singing a lovely, haunting melody. They carried few objects with them, most just keepsakes of their old lives that they wished to bring with them. The last Elf carried a gift for the Valar given him just before he boarded by Rumil and Orophin. He was anxious to present it to the Valarthis Great Ring Ceeunsae.

The End


End file.
